A FEW weeks ago, I wrote a column on how to have a healthy divorce, and got many responses requesting closely related topics. I appreciate all of you reaching out, and will always address any topics you desire. I received one asking about discussing the mental health implications of unfaithfulness, which usually leads to divorce, and another on how best to co-parent. I will be addressing both.

Today, I’m going to discuss unfaithfulness and the effects it can have on individuals and their overall well-being.
A woman wrote in explaining that her husband was unfaithful, causing their divorce, as well as the effect it is having on her. I think it’s an important topic to discuss, as it is so prominent throughout our society. I myself know very few relationships that are monogamous, which means to be married to or in a sexual relationship with just one individual.

We’re going to talk about being unfaithful in general, as only married people can commit adultery, and you do not have to be married to be devastated by that betrayal.
For the religious, adultery is a sin; the word itself, from its Latin heritage, ‘adulterare’, means to corrupt. It is one of the major causes of breakups/divorce worldwide. However, its effects on both individuals are widespread.

Unfaithfulness/cheating causes many complications for both the cheater and the victim, ranging from psychological, physical, and financial stress, both short and long-term. It also affects an entire family. Even though it’s so rampant and typically ignored, cheating is usually disapproved of in society. In fact, it is still against the law in certain countries such as Saudi Arabia, North and South Korea and Pakistan.
There’s no doubt that the idea of adultery/cheating is attractive. Humans love reading about it, watching it on television, and many simply love the excitement of pleasures we can’t easily have.

But what are the serious after-effects?
For the person who has committed adultery/cheating, they may experience:
– Intense guilt
– Anxiety about being caught
– Depression due to consequences if/when caught
– Violence, as some people can get physical if they find out they have been betrayed
– End of a marriage/relationship
– Broken relationships with children and other family members
– Financial stress
– Medical consequences such as acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD)
– Pregnancy (themselves or the outside person)

Now, what does cheating do to the victim?
It causes extreme hurt, low self-esteem and self-doubt. It ruins the trust for not only the current but also for future relationships. This is called projecting, when victims are more often than not afraid, insecure and untrusting in their new relationships. This can lead to high anxiety, depression and even suicide.
Cheating will affect the children if the family is split apart. Trust issues are typically passed on to them, affecting their future friendships and intimate relationships. I know many people who have never been cheated on (to their knowledge), but are terrified of it because one of their parents were unfaithful. This prevents them from having a normal, healthy relationship, which includes trust, love and respect.

A common question: Why do people cheat?
Other than serious illnesses such as sex addiction, there are many contradictory reasons as to why people cheat. It is known that wealthy and powerful men/women cheat, as they believe everything has a price. However, people who are not wealthy, or those who are instead with powerful partners, cheat. Why? Because they feel as though they don’t have enough power in their relationship. Many people also blame cheating on drugs and alcohol. They have had too much. Their inhibitions are lowered, which causes normal thought processes to go haywire.

Whether you are male or female, wealthy or underprivileged, black, white or brown, powerful or not, have a mental illness or not, there are people who cheat, and people who don’t. It’s simply a personal choice. There will always be other problems to ‘blame’ the cheating on, but despite temptation, we humans can choose whether we hurt someone deeply or not.

The main reason always cited to me is a lack of attention. The partner has felt ignored by their significant other, which has lowered their self-esteem and self-worth. Therefore, they seek attention elsewhere.
There are many ways one can pay attention to their spouse. Some examples are constant communication of the problem; not talking, ignoring and holding a grudge solves nothing. Other examples are being physically and mentally present, affectionate, compassionate, patient, empathetic and sexually active. Human beings long for these types of connections. Basically, cheating is an external reaction to an internal problem. Participating in the above examples are internal solutions.

What happens after you have found out?
Well, there’s a big decision to make. Do you stay and trust that it won’t happen again, or do you end the relationship? I did not realise until recently how many people are stuck in this type of situation, as they have nowhere else to go, and no other way to financially support themselves or their children. This is where the community groups I spoke about come into play. If you have been betrayed in this manner, you are definitely not alone, and can bring others together to offer support to one another.
It’s an awful feeling; betrayal. And people often ask me: Will they do it again? I just want everyone to know, being cheated on is not your fault; someone else’s lack of respect and care for your feelings is never your fault. No one can ever know whether or not it will happen again. I just know the behaviour science behind it, once or even twice can be a mistake; three times or more is a behaviour pattern that won’t ever change.

Please continue to write in to caitlinvieira@gmail.com and let me know what you would like to talk about.