Accept Yourself

I RECEIVED an email from an avid reader who requested this column. I initially wrote it in 2017, and she said that it was powerful, emotional and moving, and our community can gain from reading or re-reading it. With just a few changes, Pamela, thank you for your kind words and suggestion. This one is for you.

I initially wrote it based on a funny and causal American Holiday called “Embrace Your Geekiness Day.” The word “geek” is foreign to us. It typically has a negative connotation, which basically means awkward. I guess we have our own local names for that — Which I will not get into!

The day was created by Wellcat Holidays, a private group which has created more than 70 copyrighted holidays that were added to the annual calendar. This particular holiday was created in an effort to encourage people to embrace their quirkiness, hobbies and interests – whatever they may be. The day and its meaning made me think about self-acceptance and its importance to mental health and our general well-being. How many of us can say that we genuinely like ourselves? That we like the way we think, act, look or even speak? Sadly, my guess would be not many – which I hope to change today.

Self-Acceptance means that we embrace all parts of ourselves and unconditionally love our flaws and all. It means we are fully aware of our weaknesses and limitations, but do not let them define us as a whole. It means that we are satisfied with who we are. It requires zero judgement and a lot of understanding.

It’s not about living in a fantasy world, thinking that everything is okay. It is about being okay about everything not being okay. It is important as there will rarely ever be a time when everything is okay. We will always have some issue or difficulty to face.

Some theorists say that our self-acceptance begins as children and largely depends on how our caretakers treated and felt about us. If you were not allowed to make any mistakes if your caretaker showed that they didn’t accept you – or even if you simply feel they didn’t, it would be very difficult to grow up and accept yourself. Of course, any kind of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional) will also decrease the chances of self-acceptance in the future — for both the victim and the abuser.

Therefore, it is important to ensure that anyone in your care is well aware that they can make mistakes and they are still enough, still accepted and still very much loved.

Why is this even important?
Without self-acceptance, our entire psychological and physical well-being can suffer.
People with little self-acceptance suffer from high stress and anxiety – particularly social anxiety.

It affects our relationships as it is known that we cannot love or accept anyone until we love and accept ourselves.
There are so many benefits of self-acceptance. Of course, we will generally feel happier, but it is so much more than that. Our mood is better regulated. We have higher self-esteem and feelings of independence; we have lower fears of failure, self, and outside criticism. All of the above decrease the possibilities of anxiety, depression, as well as suicidal thoughts and behaviours.

When we accept and like ourselves we stop comparing ourselves to others — which is a huge way of bringing ourselves down. We also break free of the prison we are in, wondering what other people think of us. Self-acceptance comes with the understanding that the only approval we need is our own.

It may be easier said than done, but practice makes anything possible. How do we learn to accept ourselves? Just like any skill, through rituals that we can practise every day.

How do we become more self-accepting?
Keep in mind that self-acceptance is completely different to self-improvement. It is beneficial to improve, but that cannot happen without acceptance– affirming who we are. Some very common examples are when we tell ourselves: “I will be okay when I make more money.” “I will be happier when I lose 10 pounds.” This is not self-accepting. It is about being content with the here and now and not based on any changes in the future.

A common difficulty with this occurs when people do not want to accept themselves, as they feel it makes the current situation okay. For example, they may never want to do better if they become happy in a job below their capabilities. That is inaccurate. Acceptance and the creation of happiness are what brings the motivation for personal growth and improvements. However, keep in mind that if you do want to change yourself, self-acceptance is the prerequisite for this to happen.

As mentioned before, a preventative measure is growing up in a calm, compassionate, supporting and forgiving household. However, the reality is that many of us did not, so we need to do things that ensure we accept ourselves for who we are.

To gain self-acceptance, we must gain self-understanding and compassion. Again, it requires self-awareness of our flaws. We must understand and admit that everyone has faults; it is okay to have our limitations.
You must be aware of what you are bringing to the table. Every social group has ‘the fun one,’ ‘the responsible one’ etc. Everyone has a role and recognising and accepting yours allows for inner peace. If you are unsure what your role is, ask!

Constantly acknowledge and celebrate your strengths. We tend to focus more on our negatives than our positives and this should change. Every morning, write down a strength that you have. Furthermore, make a list of everything you have accomplished, all the adversities you have overcome and all the good you have done, no matter how small you think they may be.

Have a healthy support system and social circle. This means staying away from people who pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself. You probably do that enough on your own already. Forgive yourself for whatever wrongs you have done and every flaw you have. Regret can prevent self-acceptance.

Mindful meditation is specifically for acceptance. Mindfulness happens when we sit (upright but comfortably) alone in silence. We take a few minutes to pay attention to our breathing. We focus on what’s around us and then we focus on our life. The point is relinquishing power to the situation and accepting it as it is — without judgement or plans to change.

Do you feel that you have been unaccepting to yourself? Well that’s okay — it is never too late to start. You can make a conscious effort right now to transform your sense of self.
I found a brief exercise online that is recommended to try every day:

Find a comfortable chair to sit in quietly for a moment and just notice your body; your arms, legs, torso and head. Then focus on your mind, your thoughts, feelings and sensation.
Once you have done this, allow your self-awareness to sink in and then let a smile creep across your face as you tell yourself:

“This is me and I’m completely okay with that.”
It may take a little practice, but once you can do this, and truly feel that acceptance of self inside, it will give you a huge sense of relief. It’s like a wave washing over you, calming your body and mind because it feels good to be you.

Did you try it? Wasn’t it wonderful?
Thank you for reading and please send in any suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com.

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