AN avid reader recently reached out to me and shared that she was going through a divorce. She shared her struggles, worries and her ex-partner’s want and ability to healthily end the marriage. This is for her and the many others who are currently going through the heartache that is ending a marriage.

No one enters a marriage thinking it’s going to end in divorce, yet today, one in two marriages fail. That’s right, 50 percent and an average of 20 percent of those fail within the first five years. People go through experiences over the course of time that allow for change and sometimes your partner doesn’t change with you; most of the time, that is okay.

You may not think the words healthy and divorce can fit into the same sentence and if so, you’d be wrong; there are many ways to ensure the time you spent together ends with dignity and respect for both parties. There only has to be one thing- willingness.

It’s understandable that the end of a marriage typically unleashes a flood of emotions, including anger, grief, anxiety and fear. A lot of time, these feelings remain at the surface for quite some time; other times, they can rise up when you least expect them, catching you off guard. Both responses are normal, and the intensity of these feelings will subside over time.

Sitting down and speaking with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do, but cooperation and communication make divorce healthier for everyone involved. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings and there are people who can aid in this. A mutual friend you trust, an agreed-upon family member from each side or a professional mediator. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations.

You needn’t rush the conversation as there are important and potential, upsetting factors to discuss and, therefore, should choose a time when emotions aren’t running high. Slow down, as reactive decisions are usually bad ones. Also, where and when you choose to do this is just as important as the information that will be decided upon.

I always recommend making a list of items to discuss before going into such a setting. When emotions are involved, many other unimportant things arise and making a list keeps the conversation on track and allows for more rationality.

This list should include your main worries, priorities and decisions to be made such as who stays in the home, how to split financials, how to co-parent etc.- of course, every list will be different depending on the circumstances.

It would be beneficial if both parties could be committed to healthily moving on, letting go of any blame and attempting forgiveness. Most couples divorce when they feel defeated in their efforts to reach mutual understanding and often struggle to truly let go of the need and hope to be right or understood on their terms. Release anger and blame to make room for respect and compassion. While this may seem impossible at the moment, it’s an effort that will result in a faster and deeper healing process. This becomes easier when you try to understand the other person’s perspective; you do not have to agree with it, just understand that that is how they feel. Remember, if you put all the blame on your spouse, you automatically make yourself the victim and with a victim mentality comes a sense of powerlessness.

You both can take a step back and change your outlooks on the situation. Yes, divorce is upsetting and disappointing, but it is also a new beginning for you both to live happier and more peaceful lives, which, in an ideal world, you should both want for each other.

Individually, learning to be single again after having that level of companionship is difficult and it would do more harm than good not to admit that. It is best to really prepare yourself so there are as few surprises and disappointments as possible. You may not have the same support or the same lifestyles, but you absolutely can create new and possibly even better ones. Turn to your most trusted loved ones for support during this time but most importantly, don’t sacrifice your personal health through this process—bolster it. It can be easy to default to mal-coping such as substance use, emotional eating and over or under-sleeping. However, you will do your mind a favour by keeping your body healthy as well. It’s important to keep doing the things that make you feel balanced, productive and calm, so that you can avoid making decisions from a purely emotional state.

There will definitely have to be legalities involved, but not necessarily for the mediation and mitigation process. Doing this healthily among trusted individuals saves time, and money and can help to construct a new and healthy relationship with your ex, which is necessary in the cases where businesses still need to be co-run or children are involved.

If children are involved, your focus on transitioning should be on them even more than on yourself as if mishandled. Divorce can have long-lasting negative impacts on children. Also important to note-for those who are staying together just for their children-it is equally as damaging for them to grow up in an unhappy or abusive home. If there are any separation regrets regarding children, there should not be if it’s done healthily. Do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids as ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems. It’s often helpful for divorcing parents to come up with a plan and present it to their children together. Even children require transparency and a planned routine to ease fears, negative expectations and anxiety. If you can’t be a team for each other, you can try to be for your children. Avoid ever forcing your child to take sides.

No one wins in a divorce, but there can be win-win decisions. Remember that a divorced family is still a family. Eventually, the dust will settle as well as your emotions and you’ll be left with one thing– memories. Ensure when you look back at the divorce experience that you were satisfied with your actions and decisions.

Negative self-talk will occur, no matter the reason for divorce, but do your best to keep this at a minimum; remind yourself why the divorce is happening in the first place. You may have not gotten your happily ever after but you can achieve your happily even after.

Thank you for reading and please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com