How to best co-parent

A FEW weeks ago, I wrote about how to have a healthy divorce and briefly mentioned the importance of healthy co-parenting. I was asked to expand on healthy methods of co-parenting and its benefits for the children involved as a reminder to some who may not be currently doing so.

Co-parenting has been shown to be more complicated than the divorce itself, as although the marriage may have ended, your family has not. There are judicial cases where courts decide on the nature of the co-parenting schedules, so this is mainly for parents who are attempting to best co-parent without further legal action.

It’s best practice to separate the previous personal relationship from the now co-parenting relationship. It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one— consider it as child-centred decision-making with a team member to ensure their positive well-being.

In virtually every case, children suffer due to a divorce, no matter their age. They feel torn between two parents and the parents’ now separate lives. This means that the parents’ choice of effective co-parenting can prevent mental and physical health issues for the child or children involved. As a parent sharing custody of children, there are understandable feelings of frustration, competitiveness, jealousy, and both intentional and unintentional miscommunication. However, it does not have to be that way; there are many ways to overcome any challenges healthily.

The first and most important thing is to come up with a mutually agreed upon co-parenting plan. This is a useful tool to allow for healthy arrangements, stable responsibilities, and minimal communication, which is often desired. A good co-parenting plan should address consistent living days, visitation schedules, transportation arrangements, education, health care appointments, financial allocation and budgeting, decisions for birthdays, holidays, and other special events, the person of contact and emergency numbers, etc.

It should contain details of consistent rules that the children will abide by in both households such as meal times and plans, homework schedules, bedtimes, curfews, and types of punishment and rewards when required. This is beneficial for both parent and child(ren) as they won’t have to bounce back and forth between two radically different disciplinary environments, which typically result in drastic differences in relationships with the parents.

Disagree in private and leave the children out of adult decisions. It’s great when you give your children the freedom to be who they are and practise hobbies they are passionate about. However, children should not be deciding which parent they should live with and when or any of the majority of decisions needed for the co-parenting plan.

Plan out how you intend to spend and split holidays well in advance. Sometimes the biggest days of the year – for example, special religious festivals or birthdays – are the hardest times to work out parenting plans that suit everyone. Being alone on a significant day, without your child, is difficult for many separated parents.

Flexibility and creativity are key components to ensure everyone is happy with the arrangements. This may include splitting the day in half, celebrating other days, alternating holidays, and starting new traditions. Depending on their age, it could be important for the children to have some input in this area.

Children thrive on consistency so that’s exactly how this plan should be practised. Once your co-parenting plan is in place and working, you need to agree on what happens if one of you needs to change the plan or has a change in circumstances in the future. If there are unavoidable conflicts, try to address them as far as possible so everyone can plan ahead. The more both parents keep with the pre-determined schedule, the less anxious everyone will be.

For this to go smoothly, there are some important factors to actively take into consideration and practise.
Continuous and effective communication.
Many marriages fall apart due to poor communication patterns, which needs improvement. It helps to know how you best communicate with your ex. Does the conversation go smoother on the phone, via email/text, or in person? The key to peaceful communication is purposeful communication; keep conversations child-focused.

While it is very important to keep the co-parenting plan regular and consistent, flexibility at times is also needed. If it is an important issue (such as a medical one), the conversation has to keep going. However, if not, learn to compromise, choose your battles, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Be accommodating if things suddenly come up for your partner. Trust me, you will need the same favour one day.

Be accessible to your ex. This does not have to mean being at their beck and call but being available if a child-centered conversation needs to happen.
I cannot stress this one enough- do not use your children as mediators or messengers. When a child is asked to pass a message from one parent to the other, even if it’s something small or neutral, it has very damaging effects- on both their mental health and their relationship with you.

Show your children that you have respect for your ex-partner. I understand that this may not be easy but it is simple. Don’t ignore their birthdays or any special holidays that may be dedicated to them. In many situations, the child(ren) is/are too young or does not have financial independence. Take them to buy gifts on birthdays, Mother’s, and Father’s Day. When a child does not have a gift or celebration plan for a parent, there is embarrassment and guilt. So, be kind to each other so your child still has a sense of family. Basically, love your child more than you hate your ex-partner.

Respect for each other can go a long way in co-parenting. It is also beneficial for you both to have a separate and healthy support network for when things get hard, as they will. This can be family members, friends, religious leaders, or mental health professionals.

As a reminder, doing the above well will bring great benefits to your child/children. Firstly, and most importantly, your children will feel the love and personal sacrifice you both are making to ensure their lives are easier and peaceful; they will feel secure- both with themselves and your relationships with them. Watching successful co-parenting also teaches children healthy problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills, which will ensure their own healthy relationships in the future. And, of course, all the above makes your children mentally and emotionally healthier and less likely to develop mental health issues.
Thank you for reading and please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com

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