FOR the past few weeks, I have been writing about healthy divorces and co-parenting.
I received an email from a parent who stated only eight words – “my child is spoilt from my divorce, help!” I thought it was quite funny, especially asking for my help as I am not yet a mother. However, what I do know is behaviour and therefore, I know good ways to modify it. I’m going to talk about some qualities that may indicate a child is “spoilt” but it is not an attack on your parenting style on any level. Most of the time, parents do not even realise that they are reinforcing unhealthy behaviours as they not only just want what’s best for their children but they want it immediately.

Characteristics that indicate a “spoilt” child are vast. It can start with occasional whining, going into the often category. It can escalate to throwing fits and tantrums when they do not get their own way or outright disobedience when angry. They may demand without gratitude, hear without listening or may not be kind to others. In more serious cases, you may feel as though you no longer have control over your child, and therefore give into every need, reinforcing these negative behaviours- just because it’s easier than listening to the tantrums.
If you can relate to any of these, take comfort in knowing that you are not the only parent out there who feels this way or does these things.

I did some research on quick ways to spot unruly behaviour and a four-word test came up.
1. NO- how does your child respond to this word? Unruly children usually can’t handle it and it typically worsens their behaviour.
2. ME- is your child self-centred and doesn’t care about any other needs than his/her own?
3. GIMME- this is when a child may act a little selfish and never satisfied. They want more no matter how much they already have.
4. NOW- does your child have little patience and demands instant gratification? Unruly children typically can’t wait for the things they want.

If you relate, don’t worry; things can be done and it’s never too late to modify behaviour. Psychology indicates that behaviour modification is quite effective. It is simply the belief that good behaviour should lead to positive rewards and bad behaviour should lead to negative consequences.

Behaviour Modification encompasses quite a few things such as positive and negative reinforcement as well as positive and negative punishment.
Positive reinforcement occurs when you reward a child for good behaviour for the purpose of reinforcing or continuing that behaviour. An example of this is giving them a snack after they have cleaned up a mess.

Negative reinforcement occurs when a child is motivated to change his/her behaviour because something unpleasant will be avoided. An example is a child doing what you say to avoid a time-out.
Positive punishment occurs when a consequence is added to deter the child from repeating the behaviour. An example of this is telling a child to write an apology letter to someone they have harmed. Negative punishment occurs when something is taken away. For example, television or outside play time gets taken away for bad behaviour.

One of the most important factors for behaviour modification is consistency. Unless the consequence is the same for your child repeating the specific behaviour, it will not be effective. For example, if you always take away play time because of a tantrum, they would be less inclined to have one because they know what punishment is coming.

There are also some behaviours that parents may want to change.
Giving into your child’s every request may seem like the easiest solution, especially if you know there’s going to be a tantrum otherwise. But there needs to be an understanding that that is only going to encourage the behaviour to continue. Also, learning that you will get anything you want by behaving badly teaches a bad life lesson and imprints unrealistic expectations on the child. This can affect all relationships later in life. Doing this also diminishes the opportunity to learn other people’s opinions and points of view as well as logic and reasoning behind decision-making.

Empty threats! There is nothing more dangerous than an empty threat as children catch on quite quickly that there will be no consequence. If you want your word to count for something, deliver whatever punishment you promise. Empty threats hold no value. For example, you may say they aren’t going to a party or the park if their behaviour is out of line. This is a quick reaction because parents also feel threatened when they are not listened to but you have to follow through with it.

Be consistent with consequences. Behaviour will only change if kids are certain of the boundaries and their consequences. I know many parents who get upset at certain things and then let it slide the next day. This is really confusing for children. As adult human beings, we definitely have flexible boundaries, especially during stressful times, but sharing that with our children is not okay. Clear set boundaries are crucial for behaviour change.
Let them experience difficult emotions. As parents, I get that you want to protect your child from any ‘negative’ emotion but these are essential for them to learn their personal needs, boundaries and desires in later life. We struggle seeing them upset but know that children effectively learning to deal with difficult emotions is essential for their development and giving into their every demand is a disservice.

Sometimes we over indulge and provide them with too many unnecessary material items but this can prevent your child from appreciating what they already have. It also raises unrealistic expectations for the future.
Bribing children- many are guilty of this as it makes it easier for the task to get done. However, there are a few problems with this. After the first few times, the stakes must be raised to get more behaviour done which means you’ll have to offer more. But more importantly, this teaches a child that external rewards may be more beneficial and rewarding than the internal rewards, such as pride, that come from doing something good or productive.

Finally, focus on the problem, not the child themself. If you call children bad, stupid, rude or anything along those lines, you are labelling them and people tend to live up to their labels. Instead, their behaviour was bad, their tone was rude, their actions were careless, and so on. This teaches them that they can do better rather than feel they already fall into a certain category of people. However, keep in mind that your children learn to communicate from you. If you lose your temper, you’re teaching them that that is the most effective way to communicate and they only model your own behaviour. Just the same, if you say please and thank you, they will see that as the correct behaviour and may even follow suit. Remember being spoiled is not a gene that is inherited, it is a learned and reinforced behaviour.

Thank you for reading and please continue to write in to caitlinvieira@gmail.com and let me know what you would like to talk about.