Territorial display
I DON’T know where to start. My mother-in-law doesn’t like me all too well. I’ve changed my clothes, covered up my tattoos, took out my piercings. I had a rough upbringing, but I graduated from college with honours in English.
I’ve done alright for myself. We have a house, which is great, but my husband’s family dislikes me. I am a photographer, a little strange in taste, but I like me, my family likes me, and my friends like me.
When we first started dating, his mother made comments about my clothes, so I thought: Okay, I can dress nicer; sure. But she never visits us, even though we don’t live far away. We always go over there.
Two weeks ago, my husband and I are having some drinks. He gets chatty, so I decide to ask him, “Why don’t they like me? What is wrong with me?” And he says, “If you want respect in my family and the freedom to do what you want, you must have a good job and make good money.”
Now, I’m not stupid, but I really don’t think that will make a difference in who I am. Their smugness makes me feel inferior. I went through mental and emotional abuse as a child. I don’t want to willingly put myself through that again.
My husband is wonderful, but he doesn’t say anything to his mother, because it falls on deaf ears. He says I will just have to get over it, but that is easier said than done. We are not bad people. My house is spotless; not my studio though. We have no type of record; we don’t
do drugs; and we are pretty straitlaced.
His family is ‘jockey’ and ‘preppy’, and I am a wild child. I have been nice to them. I have not said a word; I have done what I can to fit in. I would like to have kids, and want to go back to school, but these things hold me back. They are the top things drilling a hole in my mind right now.
Ellen

Ellen,
If your mother-in-law was a woman of true grace, she would never make you feel uncomfortable. People of standing have class, in the best sense of the word. But a woman who puts on airs of superiority doesn’t understand how condescension reveals shallowness.
Your mother-in-law has a mental caste system. You would likely have to die and be reincarnated to be acceptable to her. She thinks of you as part of the great unwashed, not part of ‘us’, and the circumstances of birth forever determine your low status.
That’s actually a plus. She’s given you carte blanche to be yourself, because nothing is likely to make you acceptable to her. So don’t placate her; don’t undo your own life. Live your life as you see fit, with regard for your husband, and no regard for this woman’s thoughts and criticisms.
The main question is: If you have children, what kind of rules will she and her family apply to them? Will your children be forever on the outside, or now on the inside? Or, will your husband and offspring be on the inside, and you forever on the outside? That’s where the train
may go off the tracks, and it may determine if you can stay with your husband.
His support is indispensable. Is he a man capable of giving his mother consequences when she hurts you? Is he a man who will stand up to his mother for the sake of his wife? That’s the cause for concern.
To be honest, though, we take a simple view of this situation. We don’t see your mother-in-law as a woman of taste and grace. We picture her swinging from tree branches, pounding her chest, and shrieking at you. From a biological perspective, that’s the level she operates from.
Wayne & Tamara