A short story from Short and Sweet by Robert J. Fernandes

“THIS is overdoing it now,” declared the woman outside the Silk Cotton Beer Garden in Soesdyke, “dem people from the small islands does come in we country and do whatever dey want fuh do.” She was staring at the front page of the Chronicle newspaper where there was a photograph of Mr Hilton Gravesande. He was proudly announcing that he had formed his own political party, with him as its leader and presidential candidate, to contest the next elections.

Although Hilton Gravesande had come to Guyana from St Lucia forty years ago as a boy of twelve, he still spoke with the unmistakable accent of his native land. His early years in Guyana were spent working with his uncle on a timber concession in the upper reaches of the Demerara River. It was here that he learnt to make Wallaba paling staves, shingles and fence posts, which were exported to St Lucia and some of the other small Caribbean islands. Like many of his fellow islanders, he also tried his hand at prospecting for gold and diamonds in various regions of Guyana’s rugged interior.

The time came when Hilton heard that a foreign construction company had been granted the contract to build a highway from Soesdyke to Linden and needed workers. He left the interior and got a job as supervisor of the stone crushing plant, for the duration of the road project. Hilton came to live in Soesdyke, married a good woman from the village and settled down to raise a large family.

A few years later, Hilton realised that the highway project was nearing completion and he would lose his job. He had not been able to put aside any savings and knew that for the sake of his family’s future, he urgently had to come up with a plan to provide for them. By the time his last week on the job came around he had made his decision.

Early one morning when no one else was around, Hilton purposely pushed his left hand into the crushing machine. His hand was badly mangled, resulting in the loss of two of his fingers.

Before the accident, Hilton’s record with the company had been excellent and they had no hesitation in awarding him a generous compensation settlement. Faced with this newly manufactured prosperity, he thought of opening a beer garden under his house. But considering the fact that Soesdyke had more beer gardens than kitchen gardens, he decided against it. On Sunday, in the small Catholic church which he attended, he prayed for supreme guidance. His prayers were quickly answered. While he was taking up the collection during the service, a divine vision came to him. He would start his own church in Soesdyke.

Hilton had always been a smooth talker who liked to use big words, so delivering inspirational sermons every Sunday would not be a problem for him. There was no law against starting a new church, but he decided that the name he chose for it would have to sound genuine. Growing up he had always liked the sound of the word “Episcopalian”, but he realised that he couldn’t use the word in its true sense, as his church would not officially be part of that sect. He had read in a magazine that the Russian church was both “orthodox” and otherwise; and so the Unorthodox Episcopalian Church of Soesdyke was founded.

Over the years Pastor Hilton Gravesande and his church flourished and his flock multiplied a hundredfold. In fact he was such an impressive speaker that he was able to found the Unorthodox Episcopalian Church of Lodge and another branch in Kitty. Hilton then became the Unorthodox Bishop of his three congregations, and spent his time visiting from church to church.

When election year came around, Hilton was amazed by the great number of small parties that mushroomed into the political fray to challenge the well-established ones. He was surprised at the poor calibre of their leaders, who were also their presidential candidates. Hilton had come across a wise quotation which claimed that, “Politics was the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.” However, these particular presidential candidates had taken this wisdom too literally. He was not knowingly a conceited man, but when he compared himself to the candidates, he couldn’t help feeling superior in both intellect and charisma. With hundreds of “Unorthodox” followers to provide him with a solid political base, Hilton Gravesande had so many things going for him, that he decided to run for President of the Co-operative Republic of Guyana.

This is what now upset the woman outside the beer garden in Soesdyke, so she dashed the newspaper to the ground and stormed into the shop saying, “Islander anty-man wid he cut off han, can’t even govern he plate of rice. Look, gimme a Banks, I tired of foreign tings.” The shopkeeper and most of the residents of Soesdyke agreed with her.

Hilton wanted to choose a meaningful name for his political party. After considering more flamboyant names, he reasoned that the people of Guyana had lived in hope for so many years, that he would settle for the Eternal Hope Party. As a symbol for the EHP he chose the seaside koker at Hope Beach. Hilton was especially proud of the symbolism of his symbol. As President he would be like a koker to the nation, controlling the ebb and flow of the lives of its citizens. The official launch took place at the Dakara Creek Resort, Timehri, where the members of his Soesdyke and Georgetown flocks mingled as Hilton regaled them about the true meaning of politics and red water.

Early in his campaign he realised that he had to broaden his appeal in order to gain supporters other than the followers of his church. To this end he held meetings in Essequibo, where he introduced himself as Hilton Alistair Gravesande, whose great, great, great, great ancestor Laurens Storm Gravesande was the first Governor of Essequibo. This did not particularly impress the people of Essequibo as they had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Still Hilton felt that it must have had some effect on them as no one questioned how a St Lucian like him could be related to a Dutchman in Guyana.

For the EHP, campaigning in Georgetown was more difficult as this was where most of the other parties concentrated their efforts. Hilton knew he could not win the election and resigned himself to the fact that he would not be President of Guyana. His ambition was to beat all of the other small political parties. He wanted them to appreciate that Hilton Alistair Gravesande was a man of considerable substance and stature in the community. This would not only win him the respect he deserved, but help to increase the congregation of the Unorthodox Episcopalian Church.

Once he realised that he couldn’t win, Hilton resorted to the age-old political practice of making ridiculous promises that would never have to be kept. Hilton Gravesande, the man of God, crafted the EHP manifesto in such glowing terms that if it was ever to become a reality, the living conditions in Guyana would be as close to heaven as possible.

Hilton had been a man of the street all his life and knew exactly what most of the voters needed. To the well-worn promises of free education he added free transportation for all schoolchildren to and from school. As a bonus they would all receive a free midday meal with the compliments of the Ministry of Education. In Hilton’s government, income tax would no longer concern individuals, but apply only to companies and large businesses with more than ten employees.

The solution to the housing problem was simple. Since Guyana belonged to Guyanese, each person on the voters’ list would immediately get a free house-lot. By his calculation, fifty square miles could be set aside to accomplish this, leaving 82,950 square miles of our dear land of Guyana to be auctioned off to foreign investors. Hilton also reasoned that any government which truly represented the interests of the people should not charge them for any services supplied by a government-owned public utility. He promised that whenever water and electricity were available, they would be supplied free of charge. In that way there would be no more complaints about water shortages or blackouts.

The Everlasting Hope Party became very popular. Wherever it held street-corner meetings, large crowds gathered to hear the latest campaign promises designed to assist poor people. Hilton Gravesande was always on TV taking part in panel discussions and proclaiming the virtues of the EHP manifesto. When questions were put to him that he could not answer logically, he would revert to his holy teachings by reminding everyone that God will always find a way to help poor people.

Rumours are the offspring of politics and before long a rumour emerged about the EHP. The party’s initials were by coincidence the same as a locally manufactured brand of vinegar. This fuelled the rumour that the Everlasting Hope Party was being sponsored and endorsed by the vinegar manufacturing company. This was not true, and was vehemently denied by Hilton. However, always on the lookout for ways to gain the advantage on his opponents, the EHP vinegar connection gave him an idea.

The upcoming General Election was due to take place a week before Christmas and this would be the time when housewives needed vinegar to prepare their garlic pork and other holiday dishes. Hilton’s plan was to give each member of his party a free bottle of vinegar as an incentive for more voters to join. This meant that while the other parties were playing the ‘race card’, Hilton Gravesande would once again demonstrate his uniqueness among political leaders, by playing the ‘vinegar card’.

By the end of the campaign, the EHP became known as the housewives’ party. Hilton was proud of this, as he had always noticed that women were especially attracted to him. He had now attracted so many supporters that he felt he would achieve his goal of defeating all of the smaller parties. Hilton did nothing without a good reason and in keeping with his party’s “Housewife” identity he chose the corner in front of the Carnegie School of Home Economics for the site of the EHP’s closing rally, on the eve of the elections.

The morning after the election, Hilton Gravesande awoke from a dream-full sleep to find that even his most whispered prayers had been answered. The results were out. Not only had he defeated all of the smaller parties, but other than the two major parties, the EHP was the only party to win a seat in Parliament. In the midst of his jubilation it took him some time to realise that the two main parties had gained the same amount of seats, while he had gained the only other seat that was left. The EHP and Hilton Gravesande therefore held the balance of political power.

Hilton Gravesande sat in front of the television, not seeing or hearing anything. In fact all he was feeling was the unmistakable rush of power that fuels all politicians—the power of victory, the power of achieving high office, and most potent of all, the power over the life and destiny of his fellow man. Very few are immune to this intoxication, and Hilton was definitely not one of them.

He knew it wouldn’t be long before the phone would ring and those that had scoffed at him during the election campaign would be begging his allegiance. He knew he would not be offered the Presidency or the Prime Minister’s job, but he would definitely have to be a senior Minister.

Just then the phone rang. It was the leader of one of the major political parties, who had particularly belittled him during the campaign. He was offering Hilton the portfolio of Minister of Education and after posturing for a while, he graciously accepted this appointment.

There was a momentous victory rally for the newly formed government at the Kitty Market Square and the members of the Unorthodox Episcopalian Church were in full attendance to cheer for their distinguished leader. Hilton Alistair Gravesande sat, bursting with pride on the raised platform with the President and the other ministers. They were all introduced to the crowd and when Hilton rose to take his turn, the applause was deafening. His supporters surged forward to get closer to their leader chanting:

Hilton! Hilton! Hilton!

It was then he noticed the writing on the placards they carried.

Hilton smiled as he read the first one which declared:

“Hilton, the Pope of Poor People.”

The next one, however, brought his political future crashing down around him. It said simply:

“Hilton Will Set School Children FREE.”

Hilton Gravesande quickly sat down, and as the cheers died away, his outrageous campaign promises of “Freeness” for all school children came suddenly to life.