Socially inept

I HAD a concerned parent reach out to me about her child being socially inept and does not want to seek professional help for it. Being socially inept involves lacking confidence, competence or skills within a social setting.

These individuals have difficulty socialising, carrying on a conversation or accurately reading people’s moods or the room entirely. There are many reasons why this may occur; some mild as being introverted and some a little more severe like social anxiety or being on the autism spectrum. In either case, some things can be done to improve these skills. She asked me to write this piece for him, and I also hope it will help any of you who may be struggling with it.

The first and most important part is to identify if you are in fact, socially inept. The following are some warning signs:
Socially inept individuals are not very familiar with both the spoken and unspoken rules of social interaction. It’s not always that they dislike having conversations with others. It’s just that they may not know how. Some can come off as “rude” when in fact, they’re just unaware of what they’re doing. A common missing trait in this type of individual is empathy, which many do not realise is a key component to socialising and building meaningful relationships. This makes reading the room or the specific emotions of individuals difficult.

More specific experiences are if people often misunderstand your jokes or take offence, you can’t handle awkward silences and feel the need to fill any, you overthink everything before speaking, have difficulty maintaining eye contact during conversation, often mentally replay social interactions and feel embarrassed, or there is overcompensation in a conversation where people perceive you as arrogant.

Now, if you would like to increase your social skills, there is good news; you are not alone, and you absolutely can.
Social skills are just that- skills and like any other skill, to enhance it, we need to practise over and over and improvement does not happen overnight.

We can start with the basics of conversation that I think people forget. If someone is telling you something, let’s say a story, it means something to them, so you already have their attention. All you have to do to start is listen. A trait of socially inept people is that they tend to be bad listeners. They tend to think about what they should say next while others talk. It’s just part of the social anxiety aspect. Socially apt people, on the other hand, focus their full attention on the story, clearly show that they are listening and making eye contact, ask questions after to cement their listening ability and interest and then share a relatable story to keep the conversation flowing.

There is a practice called the IFR method, which stands for Inquire, Follow and Relate, and it allows for a natural flow in conversations. For example, Inquire would be a question such as “What do you do?” Follow would be an interesting follow-up question when they give you an answer. If they say, “I am a columnist”, an interesting follow-up would be “What kind of topics do you write about” or “is it difficult coming up with topics?”. Finally, Relate means you share something relatable which validates their story, such as a time you tried writing or a columnist that you enjoy. This is a great way to add value to any conversation and future relationship.
When practising other skills, we often have someone in the field whom we look up to and want to be like. This is the same- do you have someone in your life that you would like to mimic?

Pay attention to them and see what they do differently. What are their conversational or socialising habits/skills? How do they start or end conversations? What’s their body language like? If you feel comfortable enough with them, there is no shame in asking for their help. There is a saying which goes, “Copy the masters until you master the craft. When you do, that’s when you can develop your own style.”

Learn to build a rapport. I’ve heard people casually use the term rapport as if it just means creating a good conversation or relationship, but it has a deeper aspect. To build rapport means to be able to adjust to acting in whatever way is appropriate to the situation, a difficultly for socially inept individuals. It may seem very normal to many of us where we don’t even notice it. For example, we automatically act differently around our grandparents than we would our friends. However, bringing forward different parts of our personalities at certain times or around certain people is not so automatic or even easy to some. If this is difficult for you to do on your own at first, it helps to mimic others’ behaviours in that setting, one that seems to suit the majority.

Increase your ability to empathise as this is highly important during socialising and relationship building. This takes a lot of time, but there are specific things you can do and continuously practise, such as listening attentively, asking questions and showing genuine curiosity about what you are told. Use open body language such as facing your body toward the individual and eye contact, find similarities between you and that individual and voice them, avoid judgement and make sympathetic or encouraging statements whenever the situation calls for it.

A tip that aids in self-improvement is adjusting your mindset to a more positive one. If you feel socially inept, you will be likely to have negative, self-deprecating thoughts. Your wanted improvements will come faster if you change these thought processes. For example, use rational thinking and change the thought of “That was such a stupid thing to say” to “Everyone says mindless things sometimes and they probably are not thinking about it anyway” or “Everyone is judging me” to “Most people are too focused on themselves to notice me.”

More than getting people to like you, try getting them to like being around you. These are actually not the same thing as there are many people that I love, but I don’t like to be around often and some people that I don’t like but do often enjoy their company just because of their energy. This means adding enjoyment to the moment and having the right energy and attitude for the people and the environment that you are around.

Another pro tip, especially when meeting someone for the first time, is to call his/her name often. I am really bad at remembering names, even if they are just said to me, so I try to repeat it right as it is said to me, so I hear it twice and have already said it once. This makes people feel noticed and special. An author Dale Carnegie said, “a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.” Say their names often during the conversation, validating their existence. When you are saying goodbye, say their name again when doing so. Chances are, you will be the most memorable person they talked to.

Finally, remember that awkward situations happen to everyone, probably more than you realise. Stop being afraid of making mistakes if you want to stop being socially inept. Mistakes happen to everyone and if it happens to you, let it happen and see it as an opportunity to learn. Research actually shows that embracing your imperfections makes you more likeable. This is called The Pratfall Effect, and it explains how small clumsy mistakes can humanise you and make you appear more relatable and likeable. Like any other skill, take the time to practise these and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Thank you for reading and please continue to send topic suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com

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