I RECENTLY had a conversation with someone about regret and the serious issues it can bring forth. We both shared our own regrets and the symptoms they came with, and as I learned how similar they were, I thought it would be a good idea to share my thought processes here as, again, regret is a universal experience.
Life is full of choices, decisions, paths taken and not taken, and we do have to move forward, many times choosing just one of many options. Sometimes it is clear if our choice was not the right one, and other times we will never know what could have been. Either way, we are often left with a void.
I believe that regret is more than just a feeling. It’s a negative mental and physical reaction that we feel is uncontrollable. We may have done something that had an undesirable effect and cannot take it back; I can see how that would ruminate. However, I also believe that we tend to have more rational thinking when we clearly understand why certain things occur and also why they elicit certain thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
Regret is really counterfactual thinking, a psychology term which means that human beings tend to create potentially alternative endings to events which have already happened- literally meaning- to counter the facts of a situation. And no matter how hard we try, this is impossible as we truly would never know the actual outcome of any other decision we made.
The reason regret feels so awful is because we tend to believe that there is something else we could have done, some action to increase a positive outcome or one to have decreased a negative one, but again, that just isn’t logical thinking. We tend to make decisions on all the information we have at the time, and no matter how wrong something goes, there is still the possibility that it could have had worse consequences if any other decision was made. So, the negative feelings also come from self-blame, remorse, sadness and feelings of helplessness.
There are two regret experiences, the action path and the inaction path. The action path refers to the regret of things we have done, and the inaction path refers to the regret of things we did not do. To agree with the famous quote by the legendary hockey player Wayne Gretzky “we miss 100 percent of the shots we don’t take”. Research shows that regrets from the action path are easier to deal with and move on as people usually learn from mistakes made. However, inaction, the undone or opportunities lost are harder to deal with and overcome.
There are also four major types of regret that psychologists have identified, which I hope will aid in your understanding, self-compassion, forgiveness, and future decisions. These are Foundation, Boldness, Moral and Connection regrets.
Foundation regrets are those which represent a failure of personal responsibility; for example, losing a job due to lack of productivity or a self-inflicted health-related issue.
Boldness regrets are those which involve inaction in something you wanted to do but didn’t want to take the risk, such as opening the business or telling someone you love them while you had the chance.
Moral regrets are those where out of your options, the low or less ethical choice was made, which led to bad consequences and the inevitable “if only I had done the right thing” regret. Connection regrets are those involving relationships where your loved ones are neglected based on your other choices.

Psychologists say there is one major reason why we feel regret and that is known as the opportunity principle. We have regret because we feel the decisions are in our hands and the choices and the outcomes are completely within our control. The more opportunities we feel we may have of choices and mind changes, the more regret we feel. On the other hand, if we perceive that a choice is made for us, there is little room for regret. However, once again, that means we believe we have the choice of the outcome based on any decision and we do not.
In the simplest of ways, here are the most effective ways to deal with regret.
In regards to the four major regret types; for the foundational ones, avoid them by putting in the necessary and healthy work; for the boldness, avoid them by taking even the scariest and uncertain of risks; for the moral ones, avoid them by doing the right thing; for the connection ones, reach out to those who deserve it.
Practise self-compassion and forgiveness; we are just human and simply doing the best we can. Philosopher Henri-Frédéric Amiel once said, “Accept life, and you must accept regret”.
Apologise to others if there is a need to based on any decisions you might have made which caused them pain.
Focus on the positives of regret as it can be a source of valuable information that involves guidance, inspiration and opportunities for change and growth.
Instead of being mentally stuck in the past, take some time and create new goals and objectives to focus on.
There’s a research study that gives me great perspective when I think about regret. Researchers showed random study participants videos of Olympic athletes standing on the podium being awarded their medals. The participants didn’t see the actual competition, and they didn’t know who got gold, silver or bronze medal. They were just shown the athletes’ faces and were simply asked to decide who looked the happiest.
Predictably, it turned out the ones with the biggest smiles were those who got gold. But the odd thing was, the winners of bronze medals were consistently voted as looking happier than those who got silver. The determined psychological reasoning was that the bronze winners were thinking, “At least I got a medal” while the silver winners were thinking, “If only I’d trained harder or “Why didn’t I get the gold medal?  Oh, the feeling of regret…However, there is still a bright side- while the “At least” thoughts make you feel better in the moment, it’s the “If only…” thoughts that push you to make yourself better in the future. Regret can be a powerful aid if healthily dealt with.
A few quotes for a little more perspective:
“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” – Mahatma Gandi
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” – Rita Mae Brown
Thanks for reading and please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com