AH, break-ups… We’ve all been there, and what fun they are! Many (if not most) of us have broken up with people, and have been broken up with. However, how many of them have been constructive, and allowed for healthy healing and resilience? Yes, there is a good way to end a relationship, even if it is not something that either partner truly wants.

When a relationship ends, many people hurt, including both parties’ family and mutual friends. All the more reason to do it the right way.
You may be thinking about breaking up, but wondering if it’s the right thing. Common signs that a relationship may not be the healthiest are a lack of respect and trust, a misalignment of true values and life goals, a continuous pattern of breaking and making up and any form of abuse: Verbal, emotional, physical or sexual.

When we fall in love, we often assume it will last forever, but, sadly, these days, even when you say or sign forever, it doesn’t mean forever. Many believe that the one who initiates the break-up is cruel, or does not feel any hurt, but that’s almost never the case. The person who is broken up with usually gets more sympathy and emotional support from mutual friends. Still, it is important to keep in mind that the one ending the relationship isn’t immune to pain; they are also dealing with the fact that a relationship they wanted and put a lot of effort into maintaining is now finished.

Many people give advice on how to overcome a break-up, but how to actually do it is not often discussed. This is equally as important, as a good and healthy break-up can minimise pain and unnecessary issues. You may think that there could be no ‘good break-up’, but this is one that is done with respect, resolutions and clarity.

The first thing to do is to ensure that breaking up with this person is truly what you want. There is nothing crueller than being unsure, with a back-and-forth attitude, when someone else’s feelings are involved. It is important to end the relationship when you realise it is what you want. The question of “when did you know you want this?” will come up, and it is a lot less painful to the other person, if the answer doesn’t imply that you have been wasting their time and not appreciating their efforts for a long time.

Choose the right time and place to do it. There may never be a ‘right’ time to break up with someone, but there is definitely a wrong time. Be mindful of what else is going on in your partner’s life. For example, did they just experience a serious loss? If so, waiting would be better. Regarding the place, you will need to anticipate the conversation, based on the relationship and demeanour of your partner, and choose accordingly. For example, if they are typically emotional and need support, then a respectful break-up in private may be best. If they tend to become aggressive, and you have some fear, a public place may be better. If there is a choice, breaking up in person is always a better option to ensure the relationship is ended with dignity.

Be clear about your reasons for wanting to end the relationship, as it provides closure for you both. Be honest, but understand that honesty does not have to equate to brutality, and every little detail. For example, if you think your partner lacks ambition, or they would not be able to give you the life you want, you can say, “I do not believe our long-term goals align.” You do not have to devalue the other person.

Take responsibility for your decision; acknowledge that this is what you want, rather than blaming it on circumstances or your partner. Use the word ‘I’. The break-up is your choice, based on your emotions, so acknowledge and take responsibility for it.

Do not offer false hope, or make false promises. During break-ups, too many people, in order to make it easier, say things like, “I just think its best we take some space,” or “Maybe one day we will get back together,” when they do not mean this at all. This is cruel to do, and will result in conflict later when the other party realises it isn’t true.

Don’t ask to be friends right away; this does depend on the relationship, and how long it took place, but a clean break for a while is the best option, as it allows both parties the space to suitably move forward. Also, the truth is that if friendship was a genuine part of the relationship, it wouldn’t be hard to get back after the appropriate space and time.

Do not give in to any protests or requests to rethink your decision; if you are having a conversation about what your partner can do to improve, that’s one thing. If you have decided to end the relationship, that is another, and there is no point in delaying the inevitable.

Set clear boundaries. For example, do you want or need to stay in contact for anything? Are there mutual events that either should agree to avoid? Do you want to stop having access to their social media? When you build a life with someone and need to separate, there is typically a lot of logistics involved during the break-up. These vary, based on whether you live together or have children, but all these things need to be discussed at that time to avoid future conflict, and hurtful surprises.

Show sympathy and listen to what they have to say in return. This does not mean you change your mind, but simply shows understanding that you acknowledge that they are coming from a different place, with a different perspective that just needs to be validated. Provide any reasonable closure they may ask for.

Lastly, and most importantly for them, if you see them moving on, please let them. I see it often where someone ends the relationship, but cannot handle it when their ex-partner seems to be okay and moving on. It tends to hurt their pride, so they go back and ask to try again.

When you have completed the task of ending the relationship, take the time to invest in yourself, and identify who you are as a single person, as identities tend to get lost after being in a relationship for a long time. Only start dating other people when you are genuinely ready; do not do it to dull the pain.

If the pain is making you regret the relationship altogether, remember that relationships help us to learn. Whether short or long-lasting, relationships allow us recognise ourselves, and personal boundaries; how to patiently compromise, co-habitat, and to practise accountability to another person. It’s hard not to see the beauty in that, even if it doesn’t end the way you had hoped.

Thank you for reading, and please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com