A FEW weeks ago, it was International Men’s Day. While several of us laughed about it, there are many serious issues involved which brought the popularity of this day.
We often do not even know that we are contributing to cultural ‘norms’ that are dangerous to our and others’ mental health and our community in general.
Toxic masculinity involves so many things and it starts from the moment a boy is born with things as simple as the clothes and toys he is gifted. Toxic masculinity is a term used to describe the negative aspects of exaggerated masculine traits.

This happens when society puts expectations on men to behave a certain way- physically and emotionally. From a young age, boys are socialised to behave this certain way and some behaviours are excused simply because they are boys. It is implied that society should understand and even expect these unhealthy behaviours. It brings about conformity and the backbone of it is, men are supposed to be masculine, aggressive, emotionless, dominating, independent and competitive.

Examples such as “Boys will be boys” “Man up” “Big boys don’t cry” and so many others heavily contribute to mental health issues, homophobia, violence – including domestic and sexual assault. Some men struggle as they feel the need to conform to others’ ideas and beliefs of ‘manliness.’ Toxic masculinity literally glorifies unhealthy and abusive habits- down to the very basic thought of self-care being only for women.
The men themselves who do not feel as though they naturally fit into this expectation are more likely to suffer from depression and other mental health issues, substance abuse and poor social functioning. Those who go out of their way to fit into this ‘norm’ also do not have healthy relationships.

Studies have found that men who hold these strong beliefs of masculinity are less likely to go to the doctor (for physical or mental health issues) as they view it as weak, they are more likely to drink heavy amounts of alcohol to show toughness, they are more likely to have physical altercations for the same reason, suicidal thoughts and the list goes on.

Can you imagine being pressured to act a certain way that is extremely harmful to yourself and others around you? For those of you who are struggling with this, you are not alone and there are some things we can do to fight it.

I have been in situations where a man was trying to explain to his friends about how he feels about a particular situation, and he was greeted with the same derogatory terms, such as ‘man up.’ One even offered him a tissue as a joke. How about we do not do this anymore. I am asking everyone – both men and women- to be more self–aware and ask yourself whether you are contributing to this issue. Are you making your own friends and family feel judged and lonely?

For those of you who are contributing and do not really see an issue, men who feel as though they have to be ‘men’ are far less likely to exhibit helping behaviour. This means they are less likely to intervene in situations where there is bullying and when someone is being assaulted – especially women. Society is actually allowing men to believe that helping someone in trouble makes them look weak. Think about that before you contribute to this issue. Think about the fact that men do not treat women nicely just because they are afraid to be called ‘whipped’ or a ‘simp.’ I once watched a man verbally abuse a woman and when he was pressured into an apology – he literally said, “I’m a guy- we’re not good at that stuff”. Let me tell you, he ‘learned’ how to that night.

What can we do? For one, we can redefine what it means to be a man. I think that compassion, emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and free expression are amazing qualities for a man to have. Change will come as more people redefine their own expectations and standards.

Why don’t you all start by inviting a male friend over- who you know is going through something or not- and legitimately ask them how they are feeling; nice and easy way to move forward. You are also responsible for how others around you behave, because I feel like if I hear the phrase “I’m a man, what do you expect?” one more time, that I may officially lose my mind. That is not an appropriate response for ridiculous behaviour.

If you are experiencing this, I know it is easier said than done, but please try and talk to those around you about their contributing behaviour and how it makes you feel. If you are afraid of a bad reaction, then they have no place in your life either way.

Acknowledge and accept how you feel. Feelings aren’t good or bad- they are simply feelings and absolutely everyone is entitled to them.

If you are someone who has just realised is perpetrating this issue, it’s okay- once you want to change it. Everyone has a starting point and now you can be more aware of the effects your words have.

I would like to expand more on this in the future- but before I do, I needed to bring people’s attention to it first. I would love anyone to write in some specific situations and examples that they are currently facing, and we can dissect it. Believe me, most people will be able to relate.

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