LAST week I discussed how to heal from infidelity. Now, many people stay in the relationship after infidelity for many reasons; whether it’s love, security, fear or any other of the million possibilities, it is not a reason to judge nor project your own feelings on to the situation. Can you overcome the obstacle that is infidelity and still have a happy and healthy relationship? Absolutely. Will it be quick or easy? No, but it can happen and I’m about to tell you how.

Firstly, you have caught your loved one – with full certainty – that he/she was having an affair. What I discussed last week is still vital for personal growth, but today we are focusing on the relationship itself. For forgiveness and growth, there must be acknowledgement, remorse, and a want to change in order never to repeat. If your partner is not showing this, this column may not be for you. Some questions to ask yourself– Did they acknowledge what they did? Do they care that they have hurt you? Do they even understand that they did? Do they regret their actions? Are they changing their behaviours to rebuild your trust? Are they doing the best they can?

To move on, you must discuss what happened- many think it is better to forget it happened and move on, but it’s not. This true trust and forgiveness can only happen with honesty and knowledge. Your relationship should now consist of open and honest communication. People are often afraid to tell their partners about people or situations because they are afraid that they will become upset. They fail to realise that if their partner finds out another way, the anger will be more intense, and most importantly, trust will be broken. To those of you who do that, I say – be careful of “solutions” that cause additional problems.

Open and honest conversation will consist of topics such as what was your relationship like before the infidelity took place? Was there a genuine reason for the transgression? Were you unhappy before? Did you have proper communication? Did you spend enough quality time together? Were both of your emotional or physical needs met? This means that you will both have to take responsibility. I know for someone who has been cheated on, taking responsibility for what has happened will probably feel like an insult to your innocence. But refusing to recognise that you will both need to work through this equally for things to improve, is only making your own life more difficult in the long term. Both partners need to address these underlying issues. There are many reasons why people have affairs- they could be hurt, feel neglected, bored, sexual dissatisfaction, disinterested in their partner or they can frankly just be a bad human being who cares only for themselves. It is helpful – for both your forgiveness and healing to understand their “why.” I don’t think people ever truly move on without a valid reason from their partner about why they felt the urge or need to stray outside the relationship.

Also, with that said, there needs to be a mutual want to fix the relationship. No one can force someone to be with them. Well, you can try, but you won’t get that person’s full investment into the relationship.

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen is couples trying to get back to “the way they were.” This situation and trauma have changed your relationship- there is no way around that. So, you must work on rebuilding this new relationship. This will involve quite a few things. Start by working on a basic friendship. Couples get complacent and think their partner won’t leave and they sometimes forget the relationship was built on a friendship that made you fall in love in the first place. In the beginning of healing and forgiveness, it will involve full transparency. It may sound intrusive, but that’s the price of having an affair. Voluntarily put yourself on a short leash. Do it for as long as it takes to regain the lost trust. There should be no secrets, no passwords as well as new boundaries and ground rules. However, this should not be forever.

If you are trying to save your relationship, do not try and seek revenge. It is very tempting to react with anger, desperate or petty measures, but doing this keeps your anger alive and active and instead now leaves TWO bitter, wrong people trying to work out a relationship.

Seek professional help. If this is an option, I strongly recommend it, as I don’t know of many couples who HEALTHILY recovered from infidelity without seeking professional advice. Chances are better with a mediator to find new relationship techniques and solutions. It’s also a good, safe space to speak about it because if you have decided to stay, you need to let it go when it’s not necessary. For example, if you are in couples therapy and talk about it then, that’s appropriate. If you bring it up and punish your partner every time you are angry, you may as well leave the relationship as that isn’t fair or healthy for either of you.

The truth is that marriage does change after infidelity but with mutual effort, the right support and time, it will get better. Just remember time heals nothing, but it is what you do with the time that matters.

Thanks for reaching out and please continue to send suggestions topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com