Dear Wayne & Tamara,
I am 31. My father has been married to my stepmother for 24 years. For 15
years I’ve known my dad has had many relationships outside his marriage.
My husband and I turned a blind eye until now, but we have children, his
grandchildren.

My father is in an affair of seven years standing. We refused to allow
them together around my children, for I find it way too confusing. I
would rather not rip their innocence away by telling them their papa is
a cheating dog and their poor honey has no idea.

This is getting old. I have no idea how to handle it, and I am exhausted
from hiding and lying to everyone, especially my children. This is not a
lesson I want them to learn.

Jillian

Dear Jillian,

With cheaters, the answer is usually a matter of Occam’s razor.
The simplest answer is best.

First, end the pretense of ignorance by your stepmother. Put it on the
table. “Mom, dad is cheating on you again, and he wants to bring the
woman he cheats with into my house to visit my children.”

Then simply tell the three of them, your mom, your dad and his
girlfriend, that you don’t want this threesome modelled as a relationship
to your children.

Who do children model? The people closest to them. Modeling is not about
simply telling your children not to smoke. Modeling is about behaviour in
every situation: behind the wheel, table manners, cheating, saying please
and thank you, not slamming doors, this is what marriage is.

You don’t want your son growing up and saying, Grandpa had a lover while
married, why can’t I? You don’t want your daughter growing up thinking
she is not worthy of a faithful husband.

Your father has gotten away with this so long he thinks he is entitled to
it, but he is bringing uncertainty, confusion and ethically dubious
behaviour into your children’s lives. Allowing him to bring his girlfriend into your world would say you think it’s okay.

You have to confront both of your parents. You couldn’t do it as a child.
But you can do it now as your children’s mom.

This situation can only be resolved at its source. Its source is not your
children.

Wayne & Tamara