A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church. This was the conversation between them:

Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don’t talk
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen
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In the beginning

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was: Made in China.
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Man confesses

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.
The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”. The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”
The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”
The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”
The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”
The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”
The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”
The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”
The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!
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Grandchild playing on the beach

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
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Catholic men and women having coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well ………?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38″ DD bust, 24″ waist and 34” hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, “Oh My God.”