MY MOTHER passed away 10 years ago when I was six months pregnant with my first daughter. A year later, my father met his wife, and, within months of dating, she wanted my one-year-old to call her Grandma. I said I needed time, since I was still grieving the loss of my mother. I requested that she be called by her first name. Over the years, I worked through my grief over the loss of my mother, and accepted my father’s marriage. However, his wife continues to feel I haven’t accepted her into the family, and that I am disrespectful towards her.
 
We had a big argument a little over a year ago, and hurtful words and letters were exchanged. I tried everything I could think of to resolve our conflict. I even suggested talking it out. We live nine hours apart, and I suggested meeting somewhere in the middle with a counsellor.
 
I sent a letter apologizing for my part in the argument and for hurting her feelings in the past, and I’ve tried calling just to talk. Everything I tried has been met with either silence or continued blame for my “attitude” and “disrespectful behaviour.”
 
Since then, we’ve had little positive correspondence, and haven’t seen each other for over a year.
 
Now, my father and his wife have asked, by written correspondence, to be able to take our daughters, seven and nine, for a few days. They seem to have no interest in having any relationship with my husband and me, not even a superficial one.
 
We offered to meet as a family. Their response is we are selfish and over-controlling for not allowing them to take the girls. Before the argument, we had some discomfort about leaving our daughters with them. Now we feel it is out of the question.
 
I want a relationship with my father and his wife, but unless we agree to put the past behind us, I don’t think it can happen. My father and I were always close, and now I feel sad, hurt, rejected, angry and guilty.
 
Do we accept presents from them for the girls, and allow them to speak with them on birthdays and Christmas? That was the only time they called the girls last year. Do we allow them to take the girls, but have no relationship with us?
 
How do I make peace with no longer having a relationship with my father, and his lack of relationship with my daughters?
 
Meaghan,
When you bend over backwards, you are likely to lose your balance. When you do everything you can to resolve a situation and the other person still rejects you, you must stop thinking, ‘I haven’t done enough.’
 
His wife and you each have a different relationship with your father. Your relationship is decades longer, and your link to your father is through a woman no longer alive.
 
Now his wife has him to herself; she doesn’t want another master in his life. Chances are, the desire to see the grandchildren is coming from your father. Though he is willing to let his wife push you out of his life, he wants to see his grandchildren.
 
But he doesn’t get to make an end run around you. Your father has his grandchildren because he has you; you can’t reward him with private visits with his grandchildren while he ignores his own daughter.
 
Tell your father he can see you and the children when this relationship is repaired.
 
It’s up to him. If he is not in a healthy relationship with you, how can he be in a healthy relationship with the girls? And if he has no relationship with you, he has no relationship with them.
 
If your father wants to be in your life, the answer to all your questions is, “Yes!” If that is not what he wants, the answers are, “No!”