Complaint department
I HAVE a friend who seems to have it all: She has two stunningly beautiful and successful daughters, money, owns her own company from which she works from home, and many, many friends. However, just about all she does is complain. It’s getting increasingly difficult to be around her, because not only am I sick of hearing her complain, but things aren’t going particularly well in my life.
If or when I voice my problems, she dismisses them. I want to be around her less and less. Any advice?
Sissy

Sissy,
In her book on writing, ‘Bird by Bird’, Anne Lamont says that most people assume that good writers sit down at their keyboard and turn out graceful first drafts. Not so, she says. Of all the good writers she knows, “Not one of them writes elegant first drafts.”
Then she adds, “All right; one of them does, but we do not like her very much.”
It’s easy to envy some people. Often, it’s not because of what they have, but because they trigger feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing in us, though at such a subtle level, we don’t know why we dislike them.
Perhaps that’s the case with this friend. If it is, analyze your life and think about every nook and cranny that can be improved. This shouldn’t feel like homework. Be playful; make it fun. Use what you come up with to give yourself direction for the new year.
On the other hand, perhaps this friend is simply self-important, crabby, and a pain in the rear. If that’s the case, minimise contact with her.
Either way, she is not someone who can solve your complaints, so don’t look at her in that way.
There’s a quote from the psychologist, Abe Maslow which says we shouldn’t let our compassion for the weak turn into hatred of the strong. The task for all of us is to ask: What can I do to count myself among the strong?
Wayne & Tamara

Behind her back
I HAVE been married a year, and my husband has been divorced seven years and has a son. His first marriage was dreadful; it was all his family talked about when we dated.
Hour upon hour I heard horror stories about how awful the ‘ex’ was. During a holiday dinner, my mother-in-law announced this was the first time in 12 years she was able to eat her own supper. When I asked what she meant, she stated the ‘ex’ created such drama, she lost her appetite.
Recently, my mother-in-law came down for the weekend to attend her grandson’s soccer game. During the game, she spent the entire time walking and talking with his ‘ex’. I was offended.
For two years I heard nothing but complaints about this woman. I expected my mother-in-law to be cordial, but her actions made me feel left out. My husband knew I was hurt when I said, “Where’s your ‘ex’ and her mother-in-law?” He said, “You mean your mother-in-law?” I sadly replied, “Doesn’t look like that to me.”
Am I right to be hurt? My husband thinks I need to get thicker skin.
Allie

Allie,
Why are you sick about this? Because your mother-in-law demonstrated she can talk nice to someone’s face and nasty behind their back. That raises a question. Might she still be singing the same song? Did she say something spiteful about you to the ‘ex’?
Your mother-in-law sounds like a perfect contestant for TV’s ‘Survivor’, but ‘Survivor’ only lasts 39 days, and your relationship with her may last a lifetime. A person with two faces is a person with no face. You can’t tell them secrets; you can’t confide in them.
With possible double agents, the rule is: Don’t let them know you don’t trust them, or they will campaign against you. Bide your time while you figure out where she stands, and who she really is.
Wayne & Tamara