Past due
MY BOYFRIEND and I have been dating for six years and living together for a year-and-a-half. We love each other dearly, and there is no question of our plans for a future together. However, an engagement isn’t happening anytime soon.

He’s Canadian and I’m Southern. Although I may be progressive and liberal on other topics, I feel strongly about the institution of marriage, making a public commitment to each other, and celebrating our love with the people that matter most in our lives.

He does not value marriage in the same way, likely because of our cultural differences, and because his parents divorced, seemingly out of nowhere, four years ago when he got home from college graduation.

These are his excuses: His friends aren’t getting married yet (just mine). He’d like to be more financially secure (his finances are fine; he’s just not making a lot of money yet), and he’d like to be settled in the place where we plan to live (right now we’re living in the South, which is probably not where we’ll stay).

I can understand this “not now” reasoning to some degree, but what bothers me is that he will not even talk about a rough timeline. He says, “I don’t want to talk about it because I can’t imagine getting married right now. But just because I can’t imagine it now, it doesn’t mean I won’t want it at some point in the future.”

Never getting married is a deal-breaker for me, and I’m interpreting our conversations and fights about this topic as an indication he never wants to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way when I’ve found the love of my life? Am I misinterpreting his commitment plans?

If it’s me, how do I get over everything marriage means to me, along with the judgmental stares and comments of family and acquaintances? (This latter is completely secondary, but really getting frustrating.) If it’s him, do you think counselling or any other suggestions would help us work through this?

I can’t imagine life without him, but I also can’t imagine a life without marrying the man I love.

Beth

Beth,
A line from the 1960s song, ‘Red Rubber Ball’ says, “The rollercoaster ride we took is nearly at an end. I bought my ticket with my tears; that’s all I’m gonna spend.”

You failed to get the proposal you hoped for — that a man, out of love for you, asks you to marry him. Every time you suggest marriage to him, he rebukes you. The ideal in your head is chipped away a little each time he resists. The relationship has been spoiled.

If he grudgingly married you now, you would know his feelings weren’t genuine. And if such a marriage did occur, so much of your love for him would have been lost that you would not want to stay.

Often, a woman pushes marriage so she can get divorced. Before the wedding, she feels she cannot leave. Afterwards, she realises the connection was not right and she cannot stay.

A ‘rough timeline’ is no more than a gentle ultimatum, and when you need to ultimatum a man, it’s over. If he doesn’t choose to marry you after six years, what can counselling achieve? Counselling is not a magic trick.

Children are all many couples have in common, and when the kids grow up, they divorce. That’s the case with his parents; that’s the kind of marriage he was shown. But no matter what kind of marriage he was shown, if he loved you, he would marry you willingly.

“You’re not the only starfish in the sea” is another line from the song. That seems to be your boyfriend’s attitude. We won’t minimize the pain of breaking up, but something is telling you that is the right decision.

Wayne & Tamara