OUR FIRSTBORN adult son no longer allows us to visit at his house or see our only grandchild, now a teenager. It has been four years of being shunned for issues which he stated in a four page e-mail, and which I say did not happen.

He knows what I presented are the truthful facts; however, he continues with the emotional extortion, certainly against us, and by example to his maturing child. His wife is a health professional who earns a high income. We have known her over 20 years, since she was 14.

We don’t want to go to court to secure grandparent visitation, as the judge would probably ask the child if our visits would be acceptable. We feel the grandchild may say “no” so as not to upset the parents.

We don’t know what our son has told his child about why we no longer visit. We keep in touch with cards, and still send birthday and holiday gifts. However, we have not received a thank you from either of them.
Gayle

Gayle,
Regular readers of the column may sometimes be shocked by a letter we print, but the truly horrific letters never make it into the newspaper. These letters about sexual, physical, and emotional abuse — and cases of huge neglect — are in a whole different category.

Whatever your son is saying must be grave, because you won’t repeat it and you won’t let it pass. Typically, when there is noteworthy abuse and the victim grows up and can voice it, the parents deny it. As proof of the denial, the parents go after the grandchildren and assert their “grandparents rights.”

While it is true an adult child’s complaint may be no stronger than “you get on my nerves,” and in some cases, the adult child may be mentally ill, we balance that against the greater evil of giving abusers lifetime access to their children and their children’s children.

Serious abusers pursue the third generation as ruthlessly as they mistreated the second. There isn’t enough information in your letter for us to decide what happened, but one thing we know: This seldom happens with good parenting. Wayne & Tamara

Clear Conscience

About a year ago I met this great guy from India who was working on contract here. We started a relationship, and I fell in love. I kept my feelings from him, and he did the same. There is a reason I am like this–before we started going out I had an intimate relationship with another man.

In India guys don’t appreciate this from girls, so I never told him. Recently he went back to his country, and all communication stopped. After months of worrying if I will ever see him again, he finally contacted me. It felt good.

I am not a liar. I was tired of keeping this from him and wanted to start a fresh life, so I decided to tell him the truth. When I did, he never replied to my e-mail. Are we over? What should I do?
Rani

Rani, somewhere in an old file cabinet in the back of the male brain is a set of instructions on women. These directives tell a man not to accept a woman who has been intimate with another man. Biologists theorize the instructions were written by nature to ensure a man would at least take care of his own children.

Though many men don’t believe the instructions, men from cultures which reinforce them usually do. Because we are better off living in reality, we are better off being honest. But there are a few exceptions. One would be when honesty is merely cruel. Another would be a woman’s sexual history.

You will be happier with a man you can be honest with, but women should know many men will have a kneejerk response to their intimate history.
Wayne & Tamara