AN HIV infected person remains infected for life. Due to the complexities of the infection, exclusive self care is not advised. It is therefore important that qualified health care providers, with an interest in helping the infected person, be engaged. The stage of the disease’s progression dictates the level of intervention needed in the life of the person who is infected. To this end, it is the responsibility of the person who is infected to establish a working relationship with their care providers.

Often, there are a number of disagreements between persons seeking care and the care providers on issues that is care or drug regimen. It may be about waiting time for service at the treatment sites, or not being granted sick leave for a minor injury by the doctor. Oftentimes, this is met by disrespectful remarks and sometimes threats.

What has been discovered is that apart from self-control, there are persons who have been brought up in a culture that nurtured and tolerated violent communication. However, if the client can act more responsibly and use the tenets of non-violent communication, then relationships are seldom broken over issues. This is not about supporting accepting things as they are, but being able to say the same things in a way that sustains the relationship.

The extraordinary language of non-violent communication has the potential to change how persons seeking care and the care providers relate to each other and themselves. It is a precise discipline, and is enormously compassionate. Once this is practiced, one may better appreciate the potential for transformation that lies in any difficult relationship. It is a powerful tool for peace and partnership.

Non-violence means allowing the positives within you to emerge, but dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion and concern for others, rather than the self-centred and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. It is believed that this world is ruthless, and to best survive, one must become ruthless. Let us rationalise this: If one lies to you and you choose to lie to them, or if one uses obscene language when talking to you, and you decide to get even, then sooner or later, you will become just as obnoxious as they are.

Let us examine the tools of observation and evaluation:
If one must communicate non-violently, one must learn to separate observation from evaluation. According to the Indian philosopher, J Krishmamurti, observation without evaluation is the highest form of human intelligence.

Examples of observation with evaluation:
She works very slowly

If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.

Hank Smith is an incompetent doctor.

Examples of observation separate from evaluation:
I don’t think she’ll get her work done.

If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health may be impaired.

The doctor’s work doesn’t appeal to me.

I Have Never
I’ve never seen a lazy man;
I’ve seen a man who never ran
while I watched him, and I’ve seen
a man who sometimes slept between
lunch and dinner, and who’d stay
at home upon a rainy day,
but he was not a lazy man.
Before you call me crazy,
Think: Was he a lazy man or
did he just do things we label ‘lazy’?

I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
or things in ways I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
but he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
Think: Was he a stupid kid, or did he
just know different things than you did?

What some of us call lazy
Some call tired or easy-going
What some of us call stupid
Some just call a different knowing,
So I’ve come to the conclusion,
It will save us all confusion
If we don’t mix up what we can see
with what is our opinion.
Because I know
you may want to say also,
that that’s only my opinion.

Whatever happens, it is the responsibility of the person living with HIV that an amicable relationship is created between them and their caregiver, since their care is not an event but a process.