I HAVE never had to get up at 1 ‘0’ clock for a feeding, and have never left the house in a panic to take a crying baby to a doctor. Dealing with tantrums in supermarkets, getting notes from teachers, opening toys under the tree on Christmas Morning with my son are all unknown to me.In fact, my one task was to select a ‘onesie’ with a matching ‘tope’ and booties on the day of his funeral. It was all his two grandmothers allowed me to do. They oversaw preparations at the parlour, and as I carefully packed the bag, also adding a diaper and baby hygiene products, it was not lost on me that it was the first and last maternal duty I would ever do for my son, who, though full term, never saw the world outside of the womb, due to complications brought on by high blood pressure during pregnancy.

Thus, I cannot speak for someone who has brought up a child through the years, and then lost that child, sometimes when that child had been fully grown and had started a family of his or her own. What I can say is that the death of a baby is devastating in its own way, because you mourn the loss of his or her life, potential and future.
Going through the process and coming out on the other side is different for everybody; but, as my own experience has taught me, the support of friends and family matters a great deal.
Unfortunately, as I have also discovered, some of the remarks and ‘advice’ from the persons closest to us help to hinder the healing process a great deal. In fact, some of these things may make you quail all over again inside, even as you are healing; and that in spite of how well adjusted you are.
The upsetting things people say are numerous. This list was initially only meant to be 10 points long, but it soon swelled to 15, and can even be longer; but these are the most common. So, in the effort to save another mom a little pain, I put together some of the worst offenders. Most of this advice is probably well-meaning, but before you go off counselling anyone who has had a miscarriage or a stillborn child, I suggest reading ahead to see how you can truly be comforting and supportive.

THE THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY:
1. FIRSTLY, don’t mix up having a stillborn child with a miscarriage. One woman who had previously had two healthy children (trying to explain that these things do happen) told me about the fist-sized lump of flesh that came out of her, which she unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. That was the basis of her argument that I should forget about my son.

Well, my son was not a foetus; he was almost eight pounds. He had a head of curly hair; he had fingernails; he had my nose; he had a name. I am glad that you were content to dispose of your ‘lump’ into the sewage system, but Kaiden had a funeral service. And his grave is marked.
2. “God knows best.” You may be annoyed at me for this one, depending on your faith, but I PERSONALLY found this one offensive. Who are you to know what God’s will is? Why would He make me endure all that pain, discomfort, fatigue, morning sickness and other symptoms for nine months, only to kill the baby a few days before a Caesarean Section? And even if it is God’s will, that doesn’t make it any less terrible. If the mother is not religious, this remark is even more unhelpful.

3. “Well, it’s not like you knew him … ” When you lose a baby, you lose all the hopes and dreams you had for that child, no matter how far along you are. In addition to the mental pain, there can be a lot physical complications as well.

4. “You can always have more kids.” A baby doesn’t come in a pink cardboard box with clear plastic facing. For many women, one baby does not replace another. Each loss needs to be dealt with individually, and the woman needs to think about trying again on her own time; when she is ready.

5. “Better the baby than you.” You often see cases in the news where both mother and baby die during childbirth, or some cases where the baby lives and the mother dies. Many people think it’s helpful to point this out. I almost always hear this one, but believe it or not, as much as I am glad to be alive, I just cannot find it in myself to rejoice that I am alive and my baby has died. I feel like the winner in some unfair survival game, in which my poor baby never had a chance. As one mom said on an Internet forum: “If I had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, ‘Where’s the fork?’ ‘I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children,’ she continued. You do realise that a mother’s love for her child is greater than that for her own life; don’t you?

6. “It probably had genetic problems; you should feel lucky it didn’t survive.” Yes, this one was actually told to me following Number Two on this list. “Yes, you shouldn’t grieve; you don’t know if God took him because he was retarded.” Not all of us consider a disabled child a curse; and many (I would like to think most) of us are prepared to love our child, regardless. This particular comment very greatly minimizes the importance of the mother/child bond.

7. “I told you you shouldn’t have kept running/ stretched/danced/done housework,” etc. I already kind of fear that this baby died because I didn’t take enough vitamins, or because I drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn’t know I was pregnant. Anything that blames the mother is cruel. And anything that starts with “I told you so” is rude.
8. “You should be over this by now.” The loss of any child can potentially be devastating for years to come. There is no set time-frame for grieving. I do not enjoy being grief-stricken; I wish it had never happened. But it did, and it’s a part of me forever. The grief will ease in its own time; not mine – or yours! There is no timetable to your grieving process; every individual is just that: An individual.

For years, we relied on the popular notion that people progress through five stages of grief — that begin with denial and end with acceptance. The new thinking is that there is no series of steps to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a “grab bag” of feelings and symptoms that come and go, and eventually lift.

9. “Time heals all wounds.” Eventually, perhaps, but saying this to someone at the height of their grief trivialises all the struggles they are having there and then.

10. “You shouldn’t have a funeral/name the baby/keep talking about it.” Grieving is such an individual process. Some families plant a tree, hold a candlelight vigil, donate to a charity, or even hold a full funeral. Whatever helps them grieve and heal is appropriate. If it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t need to participate.

11. “I know somebody who…” Don’t compare the grieving mother to anyone! This should be commonsensical, but I had an older female relative who was educated, eloquent, experienced, whom I considered to be intelligent, telling me about a cousin who had lost many babies; had no children; and “never grieved”. Of course, I didn’t buy it, and countered that she just wore her pain well (which is what I try to do in public).

12. “Aren’t you happy for others?” I had the experience of having several people I knew — co-workers, friends and relatives — having babies soon after my own loss. I was invited to go to one of the showers of a relative! This, of course, was unbearable at the time (I was crying when I saw strangers passing with their babies in the streets). When I didn’t want to go, I was asked by someone very close if, because my baby had died, I couldn’t be happy for anyone else. I was actually glad for those people, and wished them all good things, but it was still hard to watch people fuss over their bundle of joy and then go home and look at my unused playpen and other baby things — the gifts from my sister who had bought only the best. It wasn’t about wanting to take people’s happiness away; it was about wanting to join in, too. Every smiling, cooing baby; every glowing new mother made me ache so deeply in my heart, I could barely stand it.

13. Don’t say, “Well, you weren’t too sure about this baby, anyway.” I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn’t prepared for, I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn’t the same as wanting my child to die. I never would have chosen the latter to happen.

14. “He/she’s is in a better place.” Lots of people like to say this, but it’s really more appropriate for situations where the deceased was very elderly and/or in severe and prolonged pain without hope of recovery. And even in those situations, I’m not sure if the bereaved family would appreciate this sentiment. I know people mean well when they say it, but is my family really such a horrible place for my baby to be?
Yes, this world is an awful place; and that is why we need little children to brighten it up! Stop and think about how you would feel if your child or children were in “a better place”.

15. Nothing: After you ask about the baby, and the mother tells you about the child’s death, she does expect you to say something. If you hastily change the topic, or announce that you suddenly have to leave, you would look insensitive or dismissive.
THINGS YOU COULD SAY:
1. “I am so sorry.” That’s enough; you don’t need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it, and it will matter.

2. Send flowers or a kind note.

3. Visit: Go see how she is doing at the hospital or at home. Take some ice-cream or chocolate chip cookies, and try to have a normal conversation as before.
4. Make an offer to go somewhere and hang out; but don’t get frustrated if she wants to be by herself a while. Don’t call more than once; and don’t be angry if the phone goes to Voicemail and the mother doesn’t return your call. Help her by not needing anything from her for a while.
5. Offer to help with household chores, or bring a meal: The bereaved mom may be depressed or unwell, and be struggling with completing her chores or cooking.
TIPS TO HELP THE MOM RECOVER
Take time off from work…or not. Some moms find the thought of returning to work unbearable, while others prefer to throw themselves into the daily activities and challenges that work offers.

Find out what the bereavement policy is at your workplace before making your decision.

Don’t expect your partner to grieve in the same way. If your partner doesn’t seem to be as deeply affected by the loss as you are, understand that men and women grieve differently. While women tend to express their feelings and look for support from others, men tend to hold their feelings inside and deal with loss on their own. Likewise, men often feel they need to take care of their partners by remaining strong. So, don’t misread his stoicism as not caring about you or your loss, and don’t judge yourself for not coping as well as he does.

And he may also make some of the misguided comments in attempts to comfort you. Share your feelings and your needs with your partner, but give each other the freedom to experience the loss in your own way.

Turn to your faith, if you can. If you find comfort in the beliefs, teachings and rituals of your faith, turn to them now to aid in your grief recovery. Know, too, that the loss of your child may damage your religious beliefs, and that’s ok. In time, you may find that you’re able to return to your faith. Either way, if you have been a person of faith, believe that God is big enough to handle your anger, rage and sorrow. If you don’t wish to return to your faith, or if you’re simply unable to, know that it is your decision.

Delay decision making. Wait at least one year before making any major decisions. Don’t sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner, or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted and you can clearly see the options available to you.

Get plenty of sleep. The death of a child takes an extreme toll on the body (Science has shown that a loss of this magnitude is similar to a major physical injury), so you absolutely need rest. Give in to the urge to sleep if you have it; otherwise, try to establish a night-time routine: warm bath, herbal tea, relaxation exercises that can help ease you into a good night’s sleep.
Get support. Get some counselling; Join a bereavement group or join an online forum.
Sources: www.cafemom.com, www.ehow.com, www.babycentre.com, www.parents.com, www.cradlesandgraves.com
Written By Michelle Gonsalves