RIGHT now, there are many ongoing conversations on gender-based violence because of the annual ‘16 Days of Activism’ observance. And while I am not an expert in the field, I would like to share recent experiences that have forced me to think more about this.

Last week, a male friend (let’s call him Friend ‘A’) and I were studying together on a Zoom call. It was late at night and we decided that we would listen to some music to keep us awake while we sifted through our seemingly endless pile of schoolwork. Eventually, he requested that I play a popular Dexta Daps song. Because it was late and I was just not in the mood, I refused. I did not expect him to, but Friend ‘A’ got visibly annoyed and demanded that I play the song.

Even then, I refused and let my YouTube auto-generated playlist shuffle to the next song. I couldn’t hear him speak over the song, so he messaged me on WhatsApp. His message read: “You want a hard slap, yes” and followed that up with a “PLAY IT” which I took to mean that he was yelling.

In another instance, a few weeks ago, another male friend (Friend ‘B’ ) and I were discussing relationships and he told me that headstrong, loudmouthed women like myself “does get lashes at home.”

In both of those scenarios, I was immediately taken aback. I could not believe that these guys – who I considered good friends of mine – could ever think that it was okay to say anything of the sort. I could not wrap my head around it and of course, I had to express my disapproval.

Friend ‘A’ was unapologetic and instead, said that because I am a tomboy, his abusive words were negligible. He followed up those statements by remarking that I would fight back if he tried to hit me (I’m not sure if that was spoken as some sort of justification).

Meanwhile, Friend ‘B’ apologised profusely, though he emphasised that his statement was nothing more than a stupid joke. I disagreed with this assertion that his statement about women being abused was a mere joke because I could not find the humour in it. He said “Okays, Miss Serious” and “ghosted” me for weeks after that.

It is only now that I am writing this column that I am fully internalising both of these experiences with Friends ‘A’ and ‘B’, and their disappointing responses when I told them that their statements were problematic. Now, these two experiences are causing me to think about Gender-Based Violence (GBV) even more.

Let me quickly point out that I am not an expert on gender, nor am I professing to be. The thoughts I intend on sharing are based on my experiences and my very limited learning from my Sociology and Social Development Policy courses.

For me, though, these two experiences illustrated how we interact with unequal power relations.

We live amidst the patriarchy and I believe that our patriarchal societies uphold men’s heinous actions by celebrating ‘manliness,’ which often equates to ‘dominance,’ ‘aggression,’ and ‘control.’ But, ‘being a man’ must not be inextricably linked to ‘dominating a woman,’ because right now, it seems to me that it is.

And, with this resulting in unequal power relations between men and women, our socially constructed beliefs, norms, and traditions have legitimised how men interact (degrade and disrespect) with women. But the thing is, this is not okay. It’s not okay at all.

Men should not feel as though they have the authority to command me to do anything, let alone command me to do so with the threat of violence. Men should not raise their voices or get worked up simply because they are not getting what they want.

This is not me attacking men here. In an article published in Guyana’s Stabroek News on February 15, 2021, Renuka Anandjit and Angelique Nixon succinctly reminded us that the causes of GBV are “complex and deeply implicated in colonial histories, structural violence and state failures.” So, this means the problem is not just men, but it is a system into which we are all socialised.

And perhaps this is a call for men to realise that we exist in this harmful system, in the hope of raising consciousness that could help them hold themselves and their brothers more accountable. As I have stated before, we need to move beyond thinking that men who act in such disappointing and apprehensive manner are outliers and instead recognise that we have to interrogate what is learnt and perpetuated.

If I can help my two male friends understand this and we can learn more together, then that would be a step towards making our society a better one. Maybe the same goes for others who can be engaged and may be open to learning.

If you would like to discuss this column or any of my previous writings, please feel free to contact me via email: vish14ragobeer@gmail.com