I NEED advice on something that’s affecting me greatly. For a year-and-a-half, between the ages of 18 and 19, I dated a girl named Ashley. We had an amazing relationship, and I thought we would always be together.

Unfortunately, she broke up with me when she went away to college. Our friendship soured, and we were never able to recapture the chemistry we once had. She moved on to dating other guys with ease, while I had trouble adjusting to life without her.
I hadn’t spoken to her in five years when I found out she got married last month. I heard she was dating a guy for a long time, so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised.
It saddened me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still single, and still struggling to find a teaching job while living at home. Perhaps I always thought we would bump into each other somewhere and recapture that old chemistry.
Now, with her being married, that seems impossible. Even though I’m 27, and it’s almost nine years since we broke up, I look back on our time together, and it brings a smile to my face. It was such an innocent and romantic time. After all, she was my first love.
Can you help me figure out what I feel inside, and why?
Justin

Justin,
When we are young, we live in a small pond, and have no power to change its size or location. Within that pool, our experiences occur.
In that context; within that level of parental control; within that environment, Ashley loved you. When those constraints were lifted, she moved on. All she needed was a bit of distance; a bit of time, and a new pool of men.
She acclimated herself to a bigger pond, where what she had for you was ‘like’; not ‘love’.
There is a power to first love, especially when there is any type of intimacy, short of or including sex. In the same way, there is power in being the first or last person interviewed, or the first or last person to speak.
It’s the way our brains work. Once you understand it’s how we are built, you can begin to let her go. There is nothing wrong that you loved her, but you didn’t get that love back. You can love a pair of Nikes, but if your feet won’t fit in them, it’s pointless.
In this sphere, there has to be a pair; like puzzle pieces fitting together. To be real, the loves have to be equally matched.
A friend of ours, on her wedding day, as she came out of church, saw an old boyfriend sitting in a pew on the bride’s side. His gesture was poignant, but it locked him in his loneliness. There is no advantage in your being that man. Your stalled career needs restarting; a job is the first-line priority that needs your full focus and attention. As you start fulfilling things that move you forward, you will show who you are to the world, and allow the one who is a match for you to become visible.
One of the paradoxes of life is that often, security can be found in letting go. Change your life, and your emotions will change. Cling to your life, and your mindset will never change.
Ashley’s timeline was not your timeline. The woman for you may be two or four years down the road, once you are established in a career. There is no “I want to be established in my career by 25 and married with two children by 30.” Life doesn’t fit that. If life were that determined, there would be no poor, no unhappiness, no war.
How do we know that is so? Because, what do we wish at this season? Peace on earth and goodwill toward men.