MY 45-year-old husband “cheated” on me for a year with a 20-something employee. I say cheated in quotes because he has not admitted to sexual intercourse; he admits to actively pursuing a physical and emotional relationship with her, falling in love, and telling her he loves her. They held hands in public, talked dirty to one another, and made late-night phone calls and texts. They spent hours at work watching TV and movies together until last year, when she moved away. He still hides emails, texts and chat sessions with her. He also shuts off his cell phone ringer when he is at home.
We have been in couples counselling on and off for a few years. We have two young children, and have been under financial stress for the past four years. Since learning of my husband’s relationship with this other woman, we have increased the frequency of our couples counselling.
My husband says he still loves her. He considers her one of his best friends, and says they share a similar “life philosophy”. He wants her always in his life, yet he says he is committed to our relationship for the rest of his life.
When I try to calmly talk about his contact with her, he gets angry and physically aggressive. Our counsellor suggested my husband’s relationship with this 20-something former employee is a sanitized fantasy that will disappear as our relationship gets stronger.
It also turns out my husband spends a lot of time “coaching” his other 20-something female employees on life issues. To one employee, he doles out regular advice about her relationship with a married man who has kids. He hides those texts and their plans to meet for drinks before our counselling sessions.
He claims nothing inappropriate is going on, and he doesn’t want me to freak out. But why hide things if they’re appropriate, and if we’re working on rebuilding trust and honesty?
Should I continue to be patient, to work on validating his thoughts, feelings and contributions? Or is this the wrong approach?
I now wonder if I am the only partner who wants change and wants us to rebuild. He simply wants peace, and to do what he wants in the moment without repercussions.
Meanwhile, the prevailing “truth” in all this for me is that I am not worthy of more than what I’ve already got.
Deanna

Deanna,
Your husband likes dabbling in the sexual energy of young women; counselling hasn’t changed that. The idea that his relationship with 20-somethings is a sanitized fantasy that will disappear seems itself like a fantasy.
He is actively engaged in inappropriate behaviour with young women. That is unchanged. He actively hides what he is doing. The only reasonable conclusion is he is concealing behaviour which is unacceptable to you, and would be to most married women.
The aim of couples counselling, from his point of view, seems to be to shut you up. From his point of view, it is like sticking a pacifier in a crying child’s mouth. He doesn’t want to accept responsibility for what he does, or for what should happen as a result of what he does. That is the definition of having your cake and eating it, too.
When an innocent party in a relationship lacks absolute proof of betrayal, they often get hung up trying to prove what has been going on, instead of punishing the other party for what has been going on. That is your situation.
Your relationship is highly unstable; the marriage could end at any time by his choice, when he finds the right 20-something.
At a minimum, seek the counsel and advice of a good divorce lawyer. You need to know where you would stand after a divorce, and you need to prepare ways to protect yourself and your children from a man who can be physically aggressive.
Wayne & Tamara