I HAVE been married 15 years, and my husband and I have a teenager. Last year we planned another child, and now we have a baby. I always believed my husband was the most honest man in the world, and that he loved me deeply. Never did I believe he would have an affair. Last month I found a text from a woman on his phone saying he is not generous with money with her; is too selfish; and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. My husband tried to explain the message to me, but it was clear he was lying. I finally found out the truth, and he admitted his affair with his ex-girlfriend.
He asked for forgiveness, and told me he loves me; that he would rather die than divorce. I know it is hard for me to divorce because of the two kids, however, I told him I would not forgive him unless he tells me the truth about the affair.
He said the affair started seven years ago. He claims they only had sex five times, and there’s only sex between them, nothing emotional or spiritual. When I asked why the woman complained he is not generous enough with money, my husband said he didn’t know why. I cannot believe that.
To me, seven years is too long a time. How could it be they only had sex five times? How is it possible he doesn’t know why the other woman complained he is not generous enough? I want to forgive, but I must be sure he will be honest with me and never contact her anymore.
I want to speak to the other woman to see if my husband is telling the truth. Is this a good idea? Will it bring more trouble, or help me get rid of the doubts in my mind?

Piper

Piper,
It appears your husband has a child with his girlfriend, or is paying for her apartment, her car or her silence. Those are plausible explanations. Saying he doesn’t know why is not a plausible explanation.
Why would he tell you the truth? There is no advantage to him in explaining why he engaged in massive fraud. Why would the other woman tell you the truth? Only if it might work to her advantage.
Your husband has had two women for more than seven years. You are not there yet in realizing the implications. The hard truth is, the only way you can be absolutely sure he will never cheat on you again is if you are no longer married.
Imagine we are going to fight. You are a skilled fencer, and I have never picked up a foil. I am going to get killed. You will do all this clever swordplay, while all I can do is hold the rapier as far away from my body as possible.
What do you need at the point when you realise you are totally outmatched?
Three things: One, accept that you are overmatched, have no ability to deal with your opponent, and don’t possess the requisite knowledge. Two: Since you know you are overmatched, you need to hire a champion to fight for you. Champions in these matters are known as lawyers. Three: Trust the facts your champion brings back to you. He will tell you exactly where you stand, and what your legal options are.
Only after consulting with your champion will you be ready to deal with an adversary who has thoroughly outwitted you for half your marriage. Your basic question is: How do I get rid of doubt? The answer is, when the scale of deceit in a marriage is so longstanding, you won’t.
Your husband inflicted a severe trauma on you. The one thing which may help is individual counselling from a therapist who specialises in treating trauma victims. This sort of counselling has nothing to do with marriage counselling.

Wayne