I AM 21 and my boyfriend is 22. We have been dating three years and living together for two. I truly feel like he is the one, but my parents absolutely hate him. It wasn’t always like that, though. When he and I started dating, my parents were accepting and welcoming. But randomly, my dad asked if we were sleeping together, and being an honest person, I told the truth, which was yes! Then, as you can imagine, things turned very quickly.
Here is a little background on me and my family: My parents and I have always been close. I actually was the only one in my family who was adopted. Plus, I am the youngest of four. Being adopted has never changed my opinion of my family; nor has it made a difference in the way my parents treated me.
Religion is a huge part in my parents’ life. You can say they are very ‘old-school’. Religion is important to me, but I have way different beliefs than they. Yet, now I am being cast out because of a decision I made. I know my parents don’t believe in sex before marriage, but that wasn’t a belief of mine. And, I have been living on my own since I was 18, so I’m a little confused. I feel I am an adult, and should be able to make my own decisions.
But my parents want to control who I date, and what I do with my life. They have said some really hurtful things to me. An example being that I owe them because of all the sacrifices they made for me in my adoption. I am very grateful for what they have done for me, but that said, I don’t feel like I owe them. And I feel it shouldn’t be this easy for them to shut me out of their lives over something like this.
My boyfriend’s family has been so kind to me and taken me in as one of their own children, but they aren’t my parents. I love my family, and want to have a relationship with them, but breaking up with my boyfriend is not an option.
We haven’t spoken to one another for two years, and I feel there has been enough space between us. I want to reach out and take the first step to rebuilding our relationship. I just don’t know how.

Jamie

Jamie,
You have your head on straight, your feet on the ground, and you know your own mind. Your parents sought to control you with their beliefs, and they tried to make you feel guilty about the adoption. Are they suggesting you asked to be adopted, racked up a bill, and now the bill is due?
No! It was their choice, and their responsibility! If you acquiesce, they can pull the bill out again and again. When you don’t get the job they want, don’t visit when they want, or don’t live where they want, will they say each time, “You owe us.”
That bill can never be paid; it is as if they want a bridle on your head, a bit in your mouth, and the reins in their hands. You can’t live like that.
Giving in won’t stop them from disowning you a second time. You love your parents, but you need to consider what they feel for you. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, you have been judged. Coming back to them, in their eyes, proves they are right. They don’t want your olive branch. They prefer an obedient child. Perhaps their God is a vengeful God; a punishing God, while your religious feeling is more open, honest and forgiving. It’s oil and water; they don’t mix.
For now, the best answer is surround yourself with those who love you and show it through their actions, words and deeds.

Wayne & Tamara