Transitions
FIRST, I have to say I don’t have the best relationship with my mom. But it’s not for any other reason than I have felt incredibly smothered by her my entire life.
I am her only child, and she has had only two, fairly short, romantic relationships I am aware of.
I have been the centre of her world. She wants us to be very close, but I feel like if we got any closer I couldn’t breathe.
Two years ago, at age 23, I moved about 2,000 miles away and lived on my own for
the first time. For the first time, I felt free to do as I want, when I want. I sleep and eat when and how I want, throw my socks on the floor, and get home at 2a.m. every now and then on a Saturday. Nothing wild whatsoever, but it’s great.
Ever since I moved, my mother has talked about moving near me. Now that I have graduated and gotten a job and will be here long-term, my mother has her heart set on moving close by in the next year, or as soon as possible.
I let her know a couple of times I didn’t want her to move near me.
I know I don’t own the city, but I wanted to let her know where I stood. Every time I think of her moving nearby, I get agitated. However I decided not to bring it up anymore, because, well, it’s her life.
Nevertheless, she has gotten angry at me. I know I hurt her feelings. I don’t want to look back at this time and regret I didn’t treat my mother better, but I also don’t want to resent her for not having her own life. Sometimes I feel like she can’t survive without me.
I should also say my mom is great in so many ways, and the fact she gets on my nerves so much makes me want to rethink having children.
What if I do everything I think is right and still raise kids who don’t want me around as much as I want them around? How should I think about this? How can I understand my feelings for my mom, or work on changing them?
Paige

Paige,
An only child has an advantage and a disadvantage. The advantage is total focus from his or her parents, and the disadvantage is an only child may receive more time and attention than called for.

Your mom had you under such tight focus, you were like an ant under a magnifying glass, and an ant under a magnifying glass often gets scorched. She helped make you the person you are, but you are your own person, and have a right to live life as you see fit.

Life has stages. At your mom’s stage, her question is: What do I do now that my child is grown? Who am I if not her mother? At your stage the question is: Why don’t I get to be free?

You told your mom how you feel. Good. You also know you don’t own the city or your mom’s life. Neither encourage nor discourage her from coming, but if she comes, set up boundaries. She is not to know your every movement, or appear unannounced. Set rules for your mom in the same way she once set rules for you.

If she comes to your city, pre-plan for it with activities she is interested in, so she can meet people. Go with her a few times to the gym or an evening class. Find ways to help your mom feel comfortable enough to explore on her own.

Later in your life, there may come another stage. If you marry and have children, your mom may be a comfort and help to you. At that juncture, your relationship will change again.
Wayne & Tamara