I RECENTLY married an amazing man who has a four-year-old daughter. I adore my stepdaughter, but when my husband and I first started dating, this little girl was out of control. She stayed up ’til midnight every night, ate nothing but junk food, and threw tantrums that went unpunished.
My husband’s mother watches her and another grandchild during the day. Unfortunately, my husband let his mother take the driver’s seat as my stepdaughter’s parent.
When my husband and stepdaughter moved in with me, my mother-in-law was less than thrilled. She encouraged my stepdaughter’s tantrums when I picked her up, using the other child not having a playmate as an excuse for why she should get to stay.
I approached my then fiancé about loving discipline tactics and putting his daughter on a schedule that allowed us to spend time as a family, have a healthier diet, and give him and me a little time together alone each night.
Well, as it turned out, my stepdaughter started showing much better manners, rarely threw tantrums, and seemed to have really taken to me. Until recently, that is.
A few weeks ago, we moved into a beautiful home my mother-in-law despises. She took my stepdaughter past the house and told her it wasn’t a pretty house. Ever since, my mother-in-law has been undoing everything my husband and I worked so hard to achieve.
She states she wants to be a “fun grandma,” and if we want to be “mean,” then that’s our business. I’m non-confrontational. I was brought up to be polite and respectful, so I feel ill-equipped to handle this situation.
Stacy

Stacy,
In one tale about Diogenes, the Greek philosopher, it is said that Diogenes struck the father when a son swore.
The development of your stepdaughter’s brain and the style of her interaction with the world are being determined right now. The adults around her are building the scaffold upon which she will build her life.
If someone told your husband his child’s daycare encouraged junk food and tantrums, would he change providers? That’s the state of affairs he must justify. Until his mother places the welfare of the child above her own self-gratification, she shouldn’t be a principal caretaker.
To your reading on child development, add reading on assertiveness. If you are polite and respectful all the time, you are handicapped. Standing up for what’s right is more important than standing on good manners.
Wayne & Tamara

Trail’s end
I’M 19. For almost five years I’ve been in a close trio with two of my best girlfriends. I’ll call them Jen and May. Jen just moved back here to go to college, and now lives with me for the summer. So, we’ve been spending a lot more time together.
Recently, May called us and spent an hour complaining about how we constantly leave her out of our plans, and how she feels we’re pushing her away. The thing is: We both realized we are! May has been a toxic friend for a long time.
Every time we hang out, she constantly talks about the drama in her life! If Jen or I try to change the subject, she brings it right back to herself.
May asks for our honest opinion and gets angry at us when we give them to her. She has terrible anger issues, and snaps at us for the tiniest of slights. We can’t take this friendship anymore, but we can’t gradually drift away, because she clings to us desperately.
Cassidy

Cassidy,
The sooner we realize we craft the situation around us by what we allow, the sooner we can sculpt the life that we want.
If you pull away from May, she won’t think, “What I am doing is wrong.” She will think what you are doing is wrong. It doesn’t matter. Grab your life by the reins and say, “Whoa! I’m not having this.”
Wayne & Tamara