A FEW years ago, I dated a man for several months. He dumped me for someone else without warning, and without telling me he was seeing others. Nonetheless, we remained friends, or so I thought. He even introduced me to my husband, who is his first cousin. Over the course of the last few years, it became obvious this ‘ex’ was using, gas-lighting and manipulating me while we dated. There were red flags I didn’t recognise. It took a long time to piece things together, most of it only clicking with me after I was married.

When I saw him treat his partner far worse than I’ve ever seen anyone treat their significant other, I realized he was still abusing me, albeit subtly. I believe he is, at best, a narcissist and quite possibly a sociopath.

We have not made it common knowledge there is a rift in the family. My husband, although he is well aware of his cousin’s infidelities and disrespect toward me and his new fiancée, is finding it awkward navigating this.

Recently we were invited to the ex’s wedding, and my mother-in-law asked if we would contribute to a communal gift for the couple. My husband didn’t know what to say to his mother, because he doesn’t want it to appear we are bad-mouthing the ‘happy couple’. He even told his mother to phone and ask me about the gift.

As I work out of town most of the time, I offered to write an e-mail to my mother-in-law with an honest but not in-depth statement that I have permanently ended all contact with her nephew. But my husband would have none of that.

I get the impression my husband simply wants me to forgive and accept his cousin back into my life. I am working on the forgiveness part. This cousin apologized, but I told him he would have to make amends to me in front of others, and demonstrate his trustworthiness. But this he will not do.

Even though my husband often states his cousin is “only out for himself,” I don’t think he believes me, or understands I was abused. I love my husband, but I don’t think he has my back. Since I have nothing to do with this cousin, his favourite fishing buddy, my husband may even perceive that I don’t have his back.

Constantly having my boundaries challenged is wearing on me. I am not sure anymore if I have chosen to handle this situation correctly. What should I do?

Dana
Erasmus of Rotterdam said, “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” Erasmus was wrong. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is an outcast.

You slowly awakened to your ex’s nature. He demeaned you; he is making a rift between you and your husband, and will do all he can to deepen that rift. You will never get justice from him.

The unsaid thing in your letter is that you married your husband because of your abuser, and your husband now sides with him. Family members are unlikely to acknowledge this cousin’s behaviour, in part because their point of view is different, and in part because of some shared DNA.

But once you woke up to this man’s nature, the genie was out of the bottle; he won’t go back in. Why? Because to do so would be to stomp on your own feelings. We have a basic right to our own feelings and perceptions. If we don’t have that right, then we are no more than the puppet of others.

As a one-eyed man in the land of the blind, there are only two choices: Join the others and put out your eye, or seek the company of those who can see. That latter choice may lead you away from this family circle.