I NEED an outside opinion. I have been with my fiancé 10 years. He cheated with his high school sweetheart almost three years ago, before we became engaged. It was one of the most painful times in my life.

The relationship fell apart, and I found my own place, not sure I wanted to continue. I have no doubt that he continued to see her as she worked out her own marital issues. In time, we started dating again, and a year-and-a-half ago, we became engaged.

We now own a home, and are planning a wedding. I put off the date until next year, as I want the perfect wedding –it will be my first. Four days ago, my fiancé left for a mission to Haiti, and with his absence, I learned I missed him and had truly forgiven him for the affair.

Later that evening, I updated his Facebook FarmVille game, a pastime he and his daughter love to share daily. As I was going through all the gifts from his online friends so he would not lose points, I came across a message from who else but his high school sweetheart.

It was dated two weeks before, and she wanted to congratulate him on his engagement. She said she didn’t know about it, because he didn’t tell her, and that was followed by question marks. I admit I then pulled all his Facebook messages to see if there were more. Nothing.

At first I was jealous, then I found myself wondering why he was still in touch with her after he promised not to. I didn’t get angry; I didn’t shed one tear. I just cannot believe I am here again with the same people!

I removed my ring and placed it in the jewellery box that night. I’m not sure I can get married in the eyes of God when I do not trust him.

Later that night, I called my mother. She told me, “We all have to endure this in relationships.” My best friend says I have too much at stake to walk away, but I keep thinking about all the e-mails and letters from before. It’s as though it happened all over again.
Sally

Sally,
There is a woman we will call Margaret, who has published dozens of articles and books about coping with affairs. Her interest dates from the time her psychologist husband admitted to cheating on her.

Margaret not only stayed married to him, she returned to school and received an advanced degree in psychology herself. Thirty-three years after her husband began his affairs, Margaret was giving the keynote speech on infidelity at a large conference.

Near the end of her talk, as she spoke about how much she didn’t want her granddaughters to have this experience, Margaret lost control and burst into tears. This didn’t happen in a therapist’s office; it was a filmed event at a major conference.

You can have ideas of forgiveness, you can talk about setting boundaries, you can parrot the latest jargon in psychology. It doesn’t matter. Betrayal will affect you this way, because this reaction is built into us.

Our brains will not let us accept a traitor. This fact is so deep in our biology, it predates our use of language. Human beings would not have gotten where they are if this reaction were not wired into them.

People who stay follow your mother’s path. They change their definition of love, and they change their expectation of relationships. That’s the only way they can cope.

We receive letters from people whose spouse was unfaithful 20, 30 or 40 years ago. We receive letters from people whose unfaithful spouse is long dead. They still struggle to cope with agonizing memories.

Your friend says you have too much at stake to walk away. Actually, there is too much at stake to stay.
Wayne & Tamara