I RECENTLY found out my wife had an affair with her boss. Despite being a former Army Ranger, I have never experienced this kind of pain in my life. It feels like a kind of death that erodes your mind and heart and soul.
After 15 years together, I had no idea she would be capable of this. I did not fear it at all. I don’t know what to do. I love her with all my heart, and the thought of being without her isn’t even a possibility. But the pain and sadness is almost unbearable. How do I get through this?
Pat

Pat,
Two weeks ago, a tornado pulverized Joplin, Missouri, killing at least 139 people. A hospital, three schools and 2000 other structures were destroyed. The tornado was an EF5, the most violent kind of cyclone, with winds in excess of 200mph.

The storm left people in Joplin in shock, disbelief and numbness. Many have recurring nightmares and insomnia. Many will be plagued with images they cannot get rid of, even years from now.

In the 13 years we have been writing the column, we have received thousands of letters like yours. The letters read as if the writer barely survived a tsunami, a fire, or a war zone. The letters read as if the writer is writing from Joplin, Missouri.

Betrayal destroyed your inner compass. As an Army Ranger, you once swore never to leave a fallen comrade behind, but your sense of loyalty is a sense not shared by your wife.

Trauma experts like Glenn Schiraldi believe that our ability to recover from shock depends upon the source of the trauma. The easiest shocks to recover from are natural disasters, because it’s hard to carry a grudge against Mother Nature. Next come random events such as auto accidents where no one was at fault.

The most difficult traumas to overcome are those intentionally inflicted by another person. Your wife knew what she was doing, and thought it in her best interest to lie to you. She is way ahead of you in understanding what is going on. You are the trauma survivor still trying to pick up the pieces. She is the person who premeditated and executed a plan.

Your wife is unlikely to tell you all that she did, what she was thinking, and what she said about you to her lover. The truth of the affair is something you will never know. The truth you will know is what severe trauma feels like. Its symptoms include numbing, hyper-vigilance, impaired functioning in daily life, recurring disgusting images, and sadness and despair.

Some experts see recovery from trauma as a two-step process. First, one must get away from the source of the trauma. If victims don’t, it’s the equivalent of sending the shell-shocked soldier back to the front. Second, one must get treatment for the symptoms. Without treatment, a trauma victim can fester in pain and sadness without ever getting past it.

Hard as it may be to accept now, you and your wife are in two different places. She inflicted your trauma. What is appropriate for her is not what is appropriate for you. You need help from someone who understands trauma, both its treatment and the path to recovery.

You must come to grips with the reality of your wife’s behaviour, draw conclusions and follow those conclusions where they lead you. In our heart, we long for the one for us—the person we can count on to love us, care for us and be by our side always. Your wife’s actions say she is not that person for you.

Aristotle compared infidelity to desertion of a comrade in battle. That reality is hard to accept, but like the people in Joplin, you must accept and then embrace the new reality in order to move forward.