MY HUSBAND and I have been married a year, together for seven. Recently, we came to a bump in our relationship where we noticed we were drifting apart. We are working on reconnecting.

The problem is my husband tells his close friends about everything, including our lack of connection. I was surprised he revealed such intimate details. I asked him, until we have worked through this, if he minded being less open. He responded he is always open with his friends, and it is inappropriate for me to censor his speech.

I find it hard to hang around his friends when they come to our house. I wonder how much they know. The real kicker is one of his best friends is a nice woman I’ve long suspected has a crush on my husband.

When I am out of town at conferences or working long hours to support him through school, these two hang out, go for coffee, or watch movies at her apartment. My husband states he would do this with any of his friends. Which is true, but I feel uncomfortable knowing this woman knows our intimate details, and that they spend time in date-like settings.

I truly believe he is oblivious to this woman’s advances, but something feels off about the whole scenario, like when he forgot my birthday but made a birthday card for her. I just wish I had the closeness he seems to have with his friends.
Gabriela

Gabriela,
Reconnecting with someone is what you do at your 25th high school reunion; it is not something you do with the person who sleeps on the other side of the bed. You don’t need to reconnect with someone you are in love with; or someone in love with you. That never goes away.

When your husband said you are trying to censor his speech, he admitted he does not recognise an inside or an outside to your relationship. He challenges the idea that you two are a couple; he doesn’t care that he is sharing your details with outsiders.

At the demise of a marriage, when friends take sides, they usually side with the one who first throws the other one under the bus. By telling tales, your husband is setting up his own divorce support group, and possibly arranging his next marriage.

You work long hours to support him, and it appears he may walk away from the marriage with a new career you paid for. Sometimes it pays to get mad. If he wants to play the defiant college student, you can’t stop him, but you can cut off his allowance.
Wayne & Tamara

Have a nice day!
FOR MONTHS I have known the husband of a friend is battling cancer. Whenever I call and ask in general how they’re doing, I hear, “Everything is fine.”

I respect that. But it’s almost a year now, and I feel like saying, “It’s okay, I know what he has been going through; you don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts, and I wish you well.”

I can’t stand the pretence. Should I say what I want to say, or continue pretending?

Mimi

Mimi,
People grieve in different ways; people love in different ways; and people have a right to be ill in their own way.

Her husband’s medical information is confidential, just like how much they owe on their mortgage, or how often they have sex. They have the right not to be reminded of his cancer, and they have a right not to hear trite expressions like, “You are in my thoughts.”

There is a difference between caring about others, and caring about yourself. The true measure of compassion is putting another’s wishes ahead of your own. Your right to offer threadbare condolences does not trump their right to privacy.

Wayne & Tamara