MY BOYFRIEND and I had dated a little over a year when he told me he had been unfaithful. It happened a couple of times with one girl, and just last week, he admitted calling another. This followed a disagreement we had about my going for an evening out with the girls. When I spoke to him about honesty, he said I made him realize I was speaking about the man he wanted to be. That’s why he confessed. It took him awhile, he said, but he realizes I am the woman he wants to spend his life with. He wants to get married, and make a clean start.
Of course, I know I should be running faster than hell in the opposite direction. I know the right answer to this question, and I’ve partially completed an autopsy on the relationship.
I have yet to discover why I chose such a louse, and then been so blind as to not have seen the truth. But I suppose Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I am hoping for advice on how to move on quickly. I don’t want to ignore my feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, only to watch them resurface.
Mostly, I feel alone and isolated. While there are many women who have experienced betrayal, I don’t feel I can share this with my friends, as many of our friends are mutual. Currently, the pain is manageable, but I fear it may get worse.
Kelly,
You had a bad dating experience. In dating, something always happens: Something is revealed; something is exposed. That’s what its function is. Dating him did what it is supposed to do: It revealed who he is, and who you are.
The pain you feel is composed of separate strands, like the strands in a rope. Unraveling those strands will help release the pain, and allow you to move forward.
Why did you call him a louse? Because intimacy lowers our physical and mental barriers, and when the other person violates our trust, we feel disgust; we experience the visceral reaction normally reserved for lice, rancid food, and rancid relationships.
Aside from the queasiness of disgust, you feel embarrassed. It is an odd fact that not only children, but also adults often feel a false sense of responsibility. Being in a failed relationship feels like you got an ‘F’ on a test. But you didn’t get the ‘F’; he did. You got an ‘A’. His marriage proposal proves that.
Tell your friends what happened. Telling them will release the false feelings of humiliation and shame you have.
Losing anything is upsetting, whether it is a watch, a job, or a person. We mourn what is absent. That’s why many people find it helpful to read a book on grief when they experience a loss, even though the best cure is usually time itself.
A final source of your pain is an anger you cannot discharge. That anger is present for good reason. The mental and physical relationship this man had with you, he had with others, and those relationships were moving on parallel tracks.
He stole your feelings; he stole your goodwill; he stole your time and attention. He is a liar, and liars devalue us, because they distort our perceptions for their advantage.
People once believed that the flower of the amaranth bloomed forever. That’s why ancient poets and storytellers took it as a symbol of the eternal. For people, the never-fading amaranth we seek is love. Knowing “You are my rock; it is you and me against the world,” is the feeling beyond compare. That is what he spoiled.
Yet in another way, it is not spoiled. Each coming to reality is good for us; it gets us closer to what we want. Though it is hard to see now, this experience will make it easier to find what is right.
