I STARTED dating my best friend when I was 16, and we married when we turned 18. I was never in love with him, but he was kind and stable and, coming from a difficult home life, I was content.

When I was pregnant with my third child, a series of disasters hit our family and forced us to start life over again. We dealt with these issues separately, and eventually, they overwhelmed us. I am now remarried, and I have regained the easy friendship I had with my ‘ex’ before we started dating.

My husband knew about my relationship with my ‘ex’ when we married, and he’s fine with it. In fact, he also gets along with my ‘ex’, and the three of us share major holidays and spend time with the children together.

I was very close to my ex’s family when we were married — his mother treated me like a daughter and I still love her. She now lives about 18 hours away, and is remarrying. My ‘ex’ and I had plans to drive up together with the children to be a part of this important event.

My husband was fine with it when I told him. He was also invited, but he does not have vacation days available. The other day, he mentioned a family member cornered him and demanded to know why he was “allowing” me to go on a vacation with my ‘ex’.

My husband hasn’t said anything, but I think he might be feeling uneasy about the trip now. When I ask him, he says he doesn’t care what others think, and that he trusts me. But I’m not sure he’s being honest with himself.

Do you think it’s a good idea to go on this trip? If my husband would come out and ask me about it, I would respect his wishes. But he hasn’t. I also hate to hurt my mother-in-law or my children by missing out on the wedding. They’re going to be the flower girls.
Suzie

Suzie,
Might your honour be worth a few extra dollars in cost, like buying an insurance policy? Then consider flying to the wedding, bringing along a third party, or sending the kids with their father. If none of these is possible, consider this.

Accountants have a concept called ‘opportunity cost’, which is a real cost, even though it never appears on a balance sheet. For example, the ‘opportunity cost’ of going to college is four years of lost wages. Most people, however, believe the value of an education far outweighs the wages lost.

In the same way, if you think going with your ‘ex’ may harm your marriage, the value of your reputation far outweighs the opportunity to attend the wedding. Even something innocent can trip a jealousy trigger, and jealousy is one of those bells which, once rung, cannot be unrung.

That’s a biological fact. Sometimes a judge must recuse himself, not because he can’t render a fair verdict, but because circumstances might make him look bad. Unfortunately, there is a person in your husband’s life capable of using innuendo to hurt you.

Boiling your letter down to its essence, what is it about? You are concerned about your husband, the man you love, and his feelings. When we get so many letters from people blatantly unconcerned about their partner, how can that not be a wonderful thing?

Unless you are convinced there is a way to go that doesn’t harm your marriage, have a talk with your husband. With a smile and complete acceptance, tell him you are not going. Send a nice gift and a heartfelt note, and count on a woman newly entering marriage to understand.

There is an opportunity cost in staying home, but the payoff for your marriage is huge. His heart, your heart, and your relationship are things no accountant can measure.
Wayne & Tamara