AFTER my column on teenage pregnancy, I received an email from a woman who is unable to conceive a child. She told me about the mental health issues which arise from this and asked me to write about it anyway I see fit. I hope this helps.

Let’s get the technicalities out of the way. Primary infertility refers to the inability to give birth, either because of not being able to become pregnant or carry a child to live birth, which may include miscarriage or a stillborn child. Secondary infertility refers to the inability to conceive or give birth when there was a previous pregnancy or live birth. Men who don’t have sperm in their semen have a condition called azoospermia. There aren’t really any symptoms that you’d notice, but if you’ve been trying to get pregnant without success, these conditions could be the cause.

Many people, like my friend who wrote to me, begin to question everything when there isn’t a child in the picture. They question their existence, legacy, old age and everything in between. However, there are many others who have either chosen the route of no children, or were unable to conceive and went on to happy and fulfilling lives.

First of all, if you have been trying to get pregnant for a while without any success, I would advise you to visit your nearest health centre so they can tell you what options you medically have.

What can you do if you know for a fact that you cannot birth your own child?
First and very importantly, allow yourself to grieve. Grieve for the children you wanted, the hopes you had for them and the life you had planned. You cannot move on unless this is properly dealt with. When children are strongly desired and you learn you can’t have them, it is a deep and profound loss. It requires the process of grieving every bit as much as the death of a loved one does. Remember that healing is a process, not a one-time event.
Be gentle with yourself and don’t pressure yourself to fill that gap immediately. As counterintuitive as it seems, befriend that empty space in your heart. Explore what that loss and emptiness feel like in your body. This empty feeling is not your enemy. It’s a natural response to this deep and profound loss and is a necessary part of healing.
Find comfort in little things every day.
Consider starting a gratitude jar and writing down one thing each day that you are grateful for. These don’t have to be big or insightful things; they can be as simple as being grateful for your coffee in the morning or the sunshine on your face.

Allow yourself to notice and appreciate the things about your life that perhaps you wouldn’t be able to enjoy if you had been able to have children. This doesn’t dismiss your longing or love for your potential children. As humans, we are powerful beings, and we have space to both miss what could have been and be appreciative for what is.

GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF SUPPORT
If you are fortunate enough to have family or friends who understand this kind of loss and can be supportive, lean on them. Allow them to be there for you and to love you.
Seek out support groups, women’s groups, or men’s groups to surround yourself with others who can support and encourage you on your journey. Start your own group with those you know who are struggling with this issue too.
Find a counsellor or mental health professional who can help you through this time.
Sometimes, finding the right support takes work. You deserve, however, to be supported and loved as you grieve.

MAKING MEANING OUT OF YOUR LIFE
It’s not about finding a reason why this may have happened. The cliché “there’s a reason for everything” isn’t really all that helpful to many people. However, choosing to make meaning out of the events of our lives is empowering and healing. Decide what you want to make this loss mean in your life. Decide how you want to use it to create a new life going forward.

Life isn’t what you expected it to be. You may not get to be the person you wanted and planned to be. Choose to make this unexpected and unplanned life meaningful and fulfilling anyway.

You can’t bear children. That is painful and heartbreaking, but it is still possible to live a meaningful, fulfilling, and happy life. Also, when you have healed, you can also consider adoption!

Thank you for reading and please continue to send topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com.
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