Hello Everyone,
I hope this week has treated you well.
Last week I wrote about Valentine’s Day and the physical and mental benefits of love. I received quite a bit of positive feedback (which I always appreciate) but I also received a few emails saying that love fades so it may not be the most important thing. A woman, who claims that her marriage is strained, asked me to speak about how to better get along with your partner.

Now, I’ve received some training in marriage counselling but I’m definitely not an expert on this. Being unmarried myself even adds to that statement. However, I have seen quite a few marriages succeed and even more fail so I can only offer my humble opinion as to what mainly contributes to both.
I don’t think this piece would only pertain to married couples, but any individual in a relationship.

Firstly, if you are worried about the future of your relationship, you have plenty of company. People always get married thinking it will last forever (obviously) but sadly, in our generation, the general statistic is that 1 in 3 marriages will end in divorce.
Love is never easy, actually it is the hardest thing I have ever done. There are a few myths about love and healthy relationships that I do not appreciate. People say that if it was meant to be, it will be easy. That’s just silly. It is hard for anyone to put someone else’s needs, wants and desires above their own.

It is hard to compromise on things that you really do not want to compromise on. It is hard to be accountable for someone other than yourself. It is hard to change some things about yourself to suit someone else. Whoever says you should never change yourself to suit someone else, doesn’t understand what it means to be in a relationship. There are mutual expectations in a functioning and loving relationship. There will be many instances of self-sacrifice in order to love and live harmoniously with another human being. No two people get along constantly without effort.

Some say that if it’s real love, there wouldn’t be any fights. Again, this is absurd as fighting brings huge benefits to the relationship. It brings to light what your partner likes and doesn’t like, what they will tolerate and what they won’t; what they are willing to take and what they are willing to give. The important part is HOW you fight and what you say during fights. In my opinion, not fighting is easy, actually being able to handling differences is the hard part.
Something I learned later than I wanted is to that we get back the love we give. There are of course exceptions and extreme cases – but for the average couple and the average love, we get exactly the love that we give. If we want kindness, we must give kindness, if we want respect, we must give respect and if we want heavy displays of love, we must give it.

There are a few essentials to make love and a relationship work. I will say with absolute certainty that a relationship (not just marriage) cannot work without mutual respect, trust and kindness. It seems obvious to say this but if it was that obvious, so many marriages wouldn’t fail. Maybe people want to show these to their partner but they cannot. Maybe, you know that these factors are important but you’re not exactly sure why. This is what I would like to focus on today.
Respect, trust and Kindness. How important these are!
Let’s start with respect.
People underestimate the power of this.
Steve Hall said “the truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.
However, the most important thing to remember is that you need to respect yourself first. No one will respect you unless you respect yourself. I believe that respect for ourselves is what allows us to have ethics while respect for others is what allows us to have manners. Both are needed for a functioning relationship.

It is no secret that verbal abuse is widespread in our community, especially in relationships. We have all (myself included) been guilty of this. We tend to speak to our partners worse than anyone else – this definitely should not be the case.
People believe that love includes respect. It does not. They believe that love trumps respect. It does not. From the other side, we have to display behaviours worth respecting as respect is earned over time, not expected. To do this, we (again), first respect ourselves and then we set and uphold clear and fair boundaries. Our partners are not mind readers and they do not automatically know what needs respecting. Boundaries make both partners feel heard, safe, cared for and of course, respected.

How do we show respect?
It is not easy to show respect as it’s required at all times- especially during fights/anger.
It has different forms, it’s not just the absence of physical or verbal abuse. Not speaking at all is a sign of disrespect. Not valuing your partner’s opinions, beliefs, religion, family etc. are signs of disrespect. Being unfaithful is a sign of disrespect. Arguing in public is a sign of disrespect. Not apologizing when you are wrong is disrespect.

The world would be a much better place if people stopped trying to justify their mistakes and just apologize. Not showing gratitude when it needs to be shown is disrespect. You want to show respect? Do not do any of the above. Respect your partner both in front of their face and behind their back. People who speak badly of their partners when they are not around do not show respect. Simply put, treat your partner the way you would want to be treated. Seriously, it’s called ‘the golden rule’ for a reason.

Kindness
I’d have hoped that this one was obvious by now but it isn’t. Mutual kindness is vital in making a relationship work. It’s easy to be mean; being kind is the difficult approach, especially if you feel that one may not deserve it at the time.
It does take effort, especially when angered but there is a simple but very effective way of being kind- think before you speak! The world would also be a better place if people thought about what they are going to say, as well as its effects, before speaking.

Kindness comprises of many things as well. I’d say the most important is the willingness to comprise as this is basically putting your partner’s feelings and wants before your own. It requires need consideration, especially when angered.
Kindness also requires attention. We all have a lot going on- all the time. Kindness is putting aside your own feelings/ situations and focusing on your partners. It’s never one sided.

I would advise every couple to take turns every day to speak about their days and what upset them. If you’re having a problem with communication in general, this is also a great tool. I think most of the problems in a relationship are caused by how something is said rather than what is actually said. People need to feel comfortable with venting their concerns; what they like and do not like. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between complaining and criticising. It’s fine to complain – for example, saying “the garbage needs to be taken out” or “the dogs need to be fed” multiple times can be considered complaining, yes.

However, when it turns into “you never take the garbage out” or “why can’t you just be helpful for once and feed the dogs?” becomes criticism. It’s when one begins to attack the personal character rather than the behaviour. That becomes the problem. On the other hand, complaints over time naturally turn into criticism so it would benefit everyone if you just listened to your partner’s needs the first time around. Having said all that, kindness also requires unwavering tolerance, patience and forgiveness.

Kindness also means to love your partner the way they need to be loved, not the way you do. My cousin lent me a book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and it was the best education on love that I’ve ever had. I recommend that everyone in a relationship buys this book and read it together.
It basically explains that everyone loves differently and therefore require different types of love- much like a completely different language. There were 5 which were Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

For example, you might base your love on words of affirmation- such as I love you, I need you and all sorts of compliments. You might need this and therefore you assume your partner needs this type of love to be happy as well. That’s not the case. More often than not, your partner has a different love language than you do. For example, they might like Physical touch and therefore, will be expressing physical touch to you. All the while, all you want is words of affirmation. It’s genius and may very well be the reason so many marriages fail. Decide what your and your partner’s love language is and express theirs to them, not yours.

Trust
Trust is a must. This is a little rhyme to remember.
Trusting someone with your heart and happiness is very difficult, especially if you come from a broken home due to broken trust or if you have been hurt yourself. However, a proper foundation cannot be built without trust. Without trust, there is insecurity, doubt and fear- all things that limit the potential intimacy of a healthy relationship. . It is the hardest thing to gain and sadly the easiest thing to lose.

It takes two to trust and building and upholding trust requires one simple thing- honesty. Well I shouldn’t exactly call it simple because if it was easy, everyone would do it. It does cause discomfort and hurt but through that, one finds trust. That being said, you need to be someone your partner feels he/she can be honest with. Your level of understanding and compassion must be high; your reactions not too over the top. I am super guilty of over the top reactions but it is something I have accepted and work to improve every day.
You can trust people in some areas and not in others. Most people believe that trusting someone is solely about trusting them not to be unfaithful but it is so much more than that. There are different types and levels of trust.

One needs to trust that the other will be sexually faithful, yes. One needs to trust that the other will be emotionally faithful. One needs to trust that the other has their best interest at heart- that they will not control or reject the other. One needs to trust that the other will love them- even when they hate them- without any selfish reasons. One needs to be able to trust that the other will not abandon them during hard times but rather make them a priority. Trusting someone completely is a terrifying thought but looking at the potential benefits, it is a risk worth taking.

If these are not currently prominent factors or situations in your relationship, not to worry. Love, respect, trust etc. – do not look at these as feelings but rather activities or skills. Upholding a healthy relationship is a skill and like any other skill, there needs to be constant practise to improve. All you need to do is decide where you are most lacking and start from there.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com Or come in to see me at:

Georgetown Public Hospital: Psychiatric Department:
Monday- Friday – 8am- 12pm

Woodlands Hospital: Outpatient Department
Drug and Alcohol group meetings – Mondays 4:15
Good mental health group meetings- Wednesdays 4:15
Suicide Prevention Helpline numbers: 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896

Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always