I have written to you before and will understand if you choose not to reply this time. I had to write you, however, because I find your advice so helpful. My issue has to do with my family, more particularly my mother’s sister. This aunt lives in Croatia, while my mom, sister and I live in Australia. We moved here 20 years ago, and this year for the first time my aunt visited. It was a grand occasion for all of us, but it was spoilt by one thing. From the other end of the globe my aunt’s husband rang and abused her, basically saying he is divorcing her.
His phone call left my aunt shattered and in tears. That night she told us all about her miserable 15-year marriage. She said she knows she should have left long ago. The following day I spent a day alone with her, and all I heard was her memories of happy times. She was a woman grieving for a lost love, though she confessed to all the heartache.
Listening, I was reminded of my own unhappy past with men. I warned her that her husband may simply be bluffing because he is punishing her for taking a holiday without him.
As it turns out, I was right. She returned home and the husband wasn’t at the airport. My aunt had to find her way home, a two-hour journey by bus and train. However, when she got home, the husband was there waiting with dinner and a hug and a kiss.
My traumatized aunt was so relieved she forgot to question him about his behavior. She wrote a long e-mail to us explaining how she still loved him. I felt sorry for her and I still do, but ultimately that is not my problem.
My problem is this: just this month my mother and sister visited Croatia. When they tried to visit my aunt, she would not let them into the house. She said her husband wouldn’t tolerate their presence. She had no explanation for her husband’s actions other than he is “primitive.”
She told mom she is not talking to her husband because of this, but later mom got evidence this was a simple lie, told to placate my family. Two days ago my mother and sister returned.
Ever since, I have been turning the problem over in my mind. Most in my family have suffered abusive relationships, but my mother, sister and I broke free. My aunt is still trapped. I have sympathy for her, but I am not sure this sympathy excuses her siding with her husband.
Obviously, my aunt’s husband will never be welcome in my house or my mother’s or sister’s. The question is, should my aunt be ejected with him, until such time as she comes to her senses (if ever)?
I value family so much, but I do not believe the rights of family members are limitless. By coming into my life my aunt brought back the horrors of abusive relationships, horrors I’ve worked my whole life to escape.