SOME parents have a habit of ‘bad talking’ their ex-partners; they do this either in front of their children, or even to their children.

This is very damaging to a child’s psyche, and can have long-term effects on the child’s social development. Children should not be burdened with adult situations, or adult emotional traumas and dramas. Parents should protect their children from witnessing or experiencing any unsavoury behaviours that might occur between them as a result of their separation.

Adults continually refer to children as though they have very little intellect or emotions. They say things like ‘He/she is just a child’, as they proceed to speak all manner of things in front of the child. The adult, no doubt, is of the opinion that the child is unaffected by, or is not listening to, what they are saying; or that the child cannot fully grasp the essence of the conversation. But, as a child grows, so does that child’s understanding; and that child may remember the very things a parent believed the child hadn’t heard.

If the backdrop to a child’s childhood is one in which one parent tries to influence the child away from the other; or where parents detest one another to the point where they cannot have a decent conversation, and they continually ‘bad talk’ each other; or, worse yet, where a parent uses a child as a pawn, disallowing the other access to the child unless that parent’s demands are met; or just to hurt the other party), then the child will grow in an unstable, insecure environment in which he/she may be forced to take sides, or become confused about how to divide his/her loyalty.

Separated parents are not related by blood; however, their child is a blood relative to both parents, and that cannot change. Mature parents know that having made a child together, if they separate, it is important to have a ‘united front’ for the sake of that child; which means that they speak to each other nicely, showing mutual respect; they make decisions together about the welfare of their child; and they share in the child’s upbringing equally, where possible. Even if the father turns out to be a ‘deadbeat’ who can’t hold down a job, and the mother is the more responsible parent, that doesn’t mean that the child should be prevented from spending time with his/her father (or vice versa). The parent and child could still go for a walk together, and spend quality time in the Gardens. Those experiences make cherished moments for children, and cherished moments make memorable childhoods.

Some parents carry a lot of emotional baggage about their past; but children should not be made to suffer because of the mistakes or choices that adults have made. When elephants fight, the grass gets damaged: children did not ask to be centre-stage of an ongoing feudal situation; all they need is a reasonably stable childhood, and that is not too much to ask for.

If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, ring the CPA hotline on 227-0979.

THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY OF THE MINISTRY OF SOCIAL PROTECTION.