AFTER my last column on why we seem to be our worst critics, I began thinking that our inner critic probably makes us settle for safer options in most areas of our lives. Therefore, an equally important question is: are we all settling?
What does settling look like to you? Especially in the context of whether you think you are or aren’t.
I have heard it from clients, family, friends and enemies — the words dripped in despair – “I am settling.”

If you’re human, it sounds familiar, and while it is mostly used to describe romantic relationships, there are many other areas in life where one can settle: all relationships, work, consumer purchases – literally anything — as settling is just about having a limited mindset and belief in yourself.
Some may not be as obvious as others, so how do you know if you are settling?
It may make sense to start with WHY we settle, as it can be conscious or unconscious, but the root is the same – we settle because of our inner critic, because of how we view ourselves and for what we believe we deserve. ‘Why?’ is always where the story begins.

A book called “The Molecule of More” describes why settling is not always an active choice- which I think brings about hope and action of change. It discusses the way dopamine regulates pleasure and reward. As a reminder – dopamine is our pleasure hormone. If you’re feeling satisfied and motivated, dopamine is being released into your brain.
Now, the book explains that sometimes, when things get old or too routine for us, we become immune to the levels of dopamine it once released. That makes sense, right? Our dream home would make us feel overjoyed for a long time, but after a while, we lose some of our excitement as we walk down the same flight of stairs and open the same doors.

Once dreams become reality and become ordinary, our dopamine-deprived brain almost pressures us to strive for more. We absolutely can and often should, but this is not to be mistaken for the illusion of settling.
You may have one time or another, asked yourself if you are settling. If you are unsure, allow me to give my two cents of clarity.
Many different areas of life require us to compromise for the grand prize. We compromise on salaries for our dream jobs in the hope that it will pay off in other ways; we compromise our late-night adventures to make our new partner feel respected and happy; we go to the same place often because we know most of our friends like to frequent there.
However, unhealthy settling is letting go of pieces of yourself that even the best outcome will never piece you back together again. You are settling if you compromise your needs, values, morals, hopes, dreams, and goals and if you are sacrificing yourself.

If you already have something in mind that you are worried you may be settling on, ask yourself the following:
On any given day, rather than natural joy, do you have to actively work to get excited about it? Are you a better person with it in your life? Are you truly grateful for it? OR are you only doing it because you have been told it is what you should be doing, that it’s just the next step?
If you are considering the benefits of something and the answers are so generic that it could be applied to anything or anyone- “I was bored so,” “it made it more exciting to have company,” “it gave me my own contribution to this conversation my friends are always having” etc.- then you, my friend are settling.

Before we divulge into how to stop settling, there are a few things to keep in mind. We are surrounded by an ever-changing world that often pushes us to want more. Over time, a lot of things change- and not always for the better. There is complacency, comparison to others and loss of passion that can result in feelings of unhappiness. However, sometimes, instead of replacing, things need repair, and it’s important to know the difference between them. Imperfect does not mean you are settling, and before you jump to that conclusion, make sure you have asked yourself the important questions. For example, you may feel unsatisfied with your current job, as though you are settling, but that job probably allows you autonomy and financial security. Would that truly be settling? Instead- Are there things that can change to make you more satisfied? Are there things that can be changed that do not require you to change as a person?

In some unsure situations, the magic comes later after an appropriate amount of time; such as when a best friend becomes the love of your life. “Settling” sometimes can be just waiting for the magic. If you have exhausted all the possibilities and have still decided that you are downright settling, you are in good company and there are things that can still be done.

Examine why you believe you are settling; not what you think society deems you settling. Some people stay in a place for a long time, i.e., the comfort zone, because they are afraid to take the leap, fear of change and deathly fear of failure. Sometimes, we are lucky enough to identify that we have done this, but we feel powerless to change it. I would like you to read this next sentence twice, because I took some time to write it as clearly as possible just so you, too, can believe it.
You are not at the mercy of your past thoughts, emotions, and behaviours; these can be changed at any time. When you feel this way, you have only two options –you can accept defeat, or you can accept that you have the free will to make changes.

A good and important place to start is by reframing your whys. Let’s use the example of you wanting to own your own business, but instead are settling for something more stable (but this can work for anything).
So, you want to become an entrepreneur — your why for settling would probably look like- “I’m lacking the business experience that may be needed,” or “I haven’t yet been inspired to know what kind of venture I would like to explore”.

Reframing the whys looks like “The business experience I’m lacking can only come with the experience.” “I don’t have to be inspired to start. I can start to become inspired.”
If you are being hard on yourself for truly settling – and I know this is easier said than done– don’t be. It’s not always a straightforward decision – most of the time, it happens gradually. We don’t set out to settle- no one does, but as time passes, people change, situations change, and we tend to compromise ourselves. Give yourself grace for making the best decision based on the information you had at the time, but now, be grateful for your free will to change and ask yourself if you are meant for more.