LIKE everything else, rejection is a universal experience. Unfortunately, however, some take it harder than others and tend to cope with it in an unhealthy manner. Today I’m going to write about the upside of rejection, the part that we tend not to think about when we experience it. This can apply to any type of rejection- professional, romantic, social etc.

Rejection happens to everyone a lot, so it is really not that big of a deal. The crucial aspect is how you handle it. Some people spiral and their self-esteem, confidence and resilience skills take a serious hit. At the same time, others may see it as a blessing in disguise and simply a redirection into something that was meant for them even more. Which are you?

Rejection does a few things. It leads to a general avoidance of any attempts as it increases the fear of possible rejection, it makes you anticipate rejection, it contributes to feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness and leads to false beliefs about yourself or the situation. Basically, feeling rejected is the opposite of being accepted.

So, how can we healthily deal with rejection?
First, it would help significantly to understand why rejection hurts us so much. It is not because we are too weak or sensitive. There is actually an evolutionary reason why we need to not feel rejected, as our need for connection and acceptance dates back to when humans relied on being in groups to survive; when we feel rejected, there is a negative primal feeling that goes against everything we think we need for survival.
Coming into more recent times, psychologists have also realised that how we perceive rejection is also highly dependent on our attachment styles which are developed during childhood. Those who had healthy relationships with parents and/or caregivers have more secure attachment styles, which are also projected onto other people, self-perception included. This means that from a young age, some view themselves as loved and worthy and can therefore react better to rejection.

If this was not the case for you, it is okay. There are many ways to remedy this.
If you experience rejection, take the time to acknowledge and grieve the loss. Do not deny it- this is something you wanted, and you did not get it. It is okay to feel disappointed, and it is okay to feel sad. Do not suppress these feelings- let yourself feel what you need to, but not for too long! You can come out stronger because of this.

An important first thought when being rejected is not to overthink it. There are a million reasons in any circumstance why you may have been rejected and, in the majority of situations, it has nothing to do with you. Most of the time, there aren’t always clear reasons for rejection and when we don’t have the answers, we tend to blame ourselves, assuming the worst. Consider alternative reasons than any negative ones going through your mind.

This is the time to examine your thoughts. When you are considering the potential reasons of the rejection, stick to the facts only, not your feelings. Basic example – if you do not get a job that you applied for, sticking to the facts sounds like this “I may not have gotten the position because I was not the most qualified applicant”. The non-factual alternative that most people go to looks like, “The interviewer did not like me; I’m never going to get hired anywhere.” Those are feelings, and feelings are not facts, so do not let them derail you.

Now, if it is a situation where you were rejected because you actually did do something wrong, there is still a positive spin. What have or can you learn from this situation? Remove negative thinking and practise self-awareness, accountability and self-improvement.

There are ways where you can use rejection to your advantage. Keep your perspective rational- remember your good qualities and qualifications and that there were many times that you were not rejected. Give yourself credit for even trying, as many people do not even get that far. Being rejected means that you took a risk on something that may have even been a long shot, that you came out of your comfort zone and pushed past your usual limits. Do not stop putting yourself out there because of one rejection because if you’ve never been rejected, you’re probably living way too contentedly and deeply in your comfort zone. Where is the fun in that?

Ask yourself as a reminder as everyone has a tale where they were disappointed by something, but it turned out to be the best thing because something better came along. If you do not have that story, the disappointment you’re feeling right now is probably that story in the making. Be patient, and what’s right for you will come.

Simply because of the evolutionary and attachment reasons we feel so bad when rejected, if you do feel this way, spend some time with people who make you feel loved and special, just as a reminder as you may not think that about yourself in that very moment.

Rejection is just as much a part of success as actual success is. If you don’t have the lows, you wouldn’t appreciate how good the highs feel. This is a minor setback, and something significant is coming.
Thank you for reading, and please continue to send any suggested column topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com