I RECEIVED an email that asked me, “how do you turn an enemy into a neighbour”? I could take it literally and laugh because it could seem as if someone has an enemy that they want to turn into a neighbour to make their life miserable. However, I’m going to take it figurately, where someone meant to ask how to turn an enemy into a friend. Since I do not believe in the energy of hatred, this is a relaxing one for me to write.

There are lots of reasons why you may feel someone is your enemy- you could have done something to hurt each other in the past; there could be some betrayal, competitiveness or sometimes no interaction at all- just a look that you or they may have interrupted as rude or strange. Either way, it does not have to remain that way. Whether or not you pride yourself as a volatile person who cannot be messed with, having an enemy is unpleasant and exhausting, so let’s explore some options of turning them into friends.

First of all, it must be said that you can avoid becoming enemies in the first place. If you feel as though you are heading in that direction, never forget that you have a choice not to participate in hostility and the power to decline a fight; it does take two after all. Francois de La Rochefoucauld said, “A wise man thinks it more advantageous not to join the battle than to win.”

Many would not want to do this, but if you are choosing this route, the only starting option is you reaching out to them. Opening the lines of communication does not make you weak. It makes you a better person. If you do not feel 100 percent comfortable doing this, there is also the option of a mutual friend to act as a mediator to initiate contact. This does not involve dragging others into your drama. This should only be done if the plan is a resolution and the third party does not mind being involved; don’t force anyone.

Set boundaries before you even reach out to them. Are you looking for a close friendship or just a truce? How do you want to have this conversation? On what sort of platform? How long would you like it to last? Do you want it to end in a face-to-face meeting? Do you want to start spending time with them or just engage in a casual social media relationship? These are essential things to know before you reach out.

If there were actions on either end to cause the rivalry, they need to be discussed. However, you want to phrase it, talk to them about how their past actions have made you feel. This is not a blame game, but rather, it is you expressing how you are feeling and any effects their actions may have caused. Phrase it in a way that they know forgiveness is on the table if they take the proper action at that moment.

Most of the time, it takes equal participation, so there would also be the perfect time to apologize for anything you may have done in return. Accountability is always respected because not many people can do it.
Clear any doubt they may have as some people may feel it is a trick or fake. Be as genuine as possible while thinking of the doubt you may have had if they were the one reaching out to you. Be clear about it with simple statements such as, “I know we have had our issues, but I don’t like that. I’d much rather us be friends.”

Now, when it is their time to talk, listen to what they are saying. Too many people listen only to respond rather than to understand and empathise with the information given.
If you want to meet up, plan things that both of you would like and appreciate, not just you. If you do not know what this could be, ask them.

When you are meeting, it is always advised to go to a neutral location where neither party feels more comfortable than the other. This could be public parks or restaurants etc.
Do not gossip about other people with them. This is important and a very serious way how I judge whether I can trust someone or not. If they talk negatively about many people, they are very capable of adding me to that list when talking to someone else.

There is actually a specific strategy coined the “Ben Franklin Way.” One of the most famous scientists had claimed that he discovered the best way to turn an enemy into a friend. In the 18th century, there was a man Franklin had as an enemy and with whom he had to work every day. Franklin got creative and did some research. The man had a large library he was very proud of. One day, Franklin complimented the man on his library and asked to borrow a book from it. The man agreed and Franklin returned it on time, along with a thoughtful thank-you note. That sole exchange turned Franklin’s biggest enemy into a friend overnight. The 3-stage technique that came from that?
1. Ask for help in an area where your enemy may be strong in and proud of
2. Make a simple request that would acknowledge their strength
3. Express gratitude

Now, not everyone can do this as it takes swallowing pride and humility, but what’s the alternative? Keeping an enemy- you will have to decide what is more important.
If all the above worked and you would like to keep and build this friendship, there are also things to be done. Maintain regular communication that you are both comfortable with. Begin to get more personal with each interaction. You do not have to tell them your deepest secrets, but true friendship takes vulnerability and intimacy. It could be something as small as a goal you’d like to achieve or personal feelings you have towards a certain situation.

It takes an exceptional person to do any of the above, but I believe anyone can be, so why not try? The only thing you have to lose is an enemy.

Thank you for reading. Please continue to send topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com