I RECENTLY experienced a death that hit very close to home. While there was love, there were bumps along the way, and we hadn’t spoken in months. I spent the last week thinking about death and the life lessons and perspective it can give us. Considering that loss and grief are universal experiences, I thought it would be best to share it here and hope to bring some peace to those who are also grieving or experiencing any regret. This one is for you, KK.

Much like life, death is the greatest teacher, and I first wondered why it takes death to put things into perspective. There are everyday things – spending time with the people you love or the simple fact that there is so much death and suffering already around us, so why do we have to personally experience it? Can we not wake up every day and know what is important and what is just meaningless white noise in the grand scheme? Unfortunately, it seems that only death can teach us about life.

After this kind of loss, don’t deny or shy away from its immediate effects. People will offer condolences and tell you that the pain will ease over time, and it does to an extent, but acknowledge and accept that you will never be the person you were before. Your world has been altered, and you now have to learn how to live in this new world, one without your loved one. However, this does not mean that nothing significant comes from this.

Death does a lot of obvious things. It makes us thankful to be alive, see what’s really important, brings forgiveness in our hearts and also instills gratitude for those we have left. However, this is not the only perspective death brings.

Experiencing the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and then finally, acceptance is difficult and flows without a timeline. Grief is as unique as your fingerprint, and everyone feels it differently. Remember that this is a process and not a permanent state.

An important thing to acknowledge, one which helps with grief, is your secondary losses. When someone you love dies, you are dealing with more than one human love loss. The roles they played in your life- your companion, your shoulder to cry on, mentor and all the hopes and dreams you had for and with them are your secondary losses and need to be grieved as well. However, as sad as these losses are, they truly do bring new purpose and direction in your life as they inspire you to follow in great footsteps, to open yourself up to new relationships that can offer similar comfort or and, best of all, the personal responsibility to do them yourself will have a profound influence where the best version of yourself is yet to come.

Grief allows us time to re-evaluate our values, responsibilities and goals; to take a deep self-inventory and only self-improvement can come from that. It allows us to simplify our lives. Unhealthy emotions change to healthy ones. It teaches patience as there isn’t any choice but to go through the motions, to be respectful and have conversations you do not want to have, to understand and show empathy that others handle the pain differently from your own methods.

Grief teaches us the importance of memories. Death leaves you with only one important thing to hang on to- memories. This is what allows our loved ones to stay in our minds and hearts, and it teaches us that joy and sadness can co-exist. We all look back on fond memories of those we have lost. What memories will people find comforting when its your time to leave this world? Luckily, we are in control, taking the time to create new and lasting memories with our loved ones.

Grief teaches us to treasure moments of happiness that we often take for granted because they may actually happen often but for how long? It teaches you to stay in the present moment. How many times have you been on a nice day out with your family or friends, but you have work on the brain? Some other issue you are currently facing? Always take time to appreciate present good moments. Just like everything else, it’s the quality of our lives that matter, not the quantity.

Grief teaches us confidence as you are now, very clearly aware, that you can cope with the worst that life has to offer. One of your worst fears has come true and look at you, doing everything you are supposed to, finding your true strength.

Remember that when you feel lost, you can still have healthy connections with your lost loved one in a variety of ways. You can openly talk to others about good memories, act on their beliefs and values and consider his/her feelings and perspectives on matters when actions are necessary. This way, you will always feel connected.

Lastly, find solace in your special relationship with your deceased loved one. No two people can have the exact relationship with another individual. Always treasure yours as it only belonged to you two. Sooner than you think, their names will be mentioned with a laugh and not a heavy heart and in the meantime, in between all that pain, there can be an inspiration, an example to follow to keep moving forward. While it is not always the case, in mine, it was a life touched and changed so many lives, one that achieved so much, one that lived. It’s hard to not see the beauty in that.
Sleep in Eternal Peace
Thank you for reading and please continue to send column topic suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com