A READER suggested this topic to me. It’s one I haven’t covered, but yet so important so I’d like to thank you for the suggestion.
There is a stigma that people who are diagnosed with mental health illnesses would not be able to be in functional relationships; that they may be ‘too much to handle.’ Unfortunately, this stigma is both self and society inflicted. Despite how common mental health illnesses are (one in four individuals), the stigma isn’t any less than it was years ago. So, while it’s still difficult to talk about mental health in our society, I can imagine what it would be like to discuss it with someone you’re excited about dating or someone with whom you are already in love. There will be fears when you think about telling them, “can they handle it?” or “would it scare them away?”
The truth is that it is possible; there are a few possible reactions. Some may not want to deal with it. Some may be met with confusion but want to learn, some may be suffering as well and are happy they have someone who understands, or some may not care at all. However, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it does not matter because having mental health issues does not make you undateable or unlovable. Also, healthy relationships require healthy communication, the truth, trust with the truth, and understanding of the truth. This means that if they do leave right after finding out the news, the relationship wouldn’t have been beneficial for you either way, and you would have just saved yourself some time and future heartbreak.
I won’t say that mental health issues will not or does not affect your relationship at all, as it does. Having mental health issues can cause mood swings, isolation and disinterest in intimacy in general. However, it does not mean that you cannot still have a healthy relationship. How? Firstly, by realising that your mental health condition does not define you. Secondly, by healthily communicating the situation and your feelings about it to your partner. For some people, mental health issues are completely new, and that’s okay. Helping your partner to understand can and will help you in return. Provide them with all the information and clarify any uncertainty.
A good way to give someone information that you may not think will be well-received is by using the sandwich strategy. This involves sandwiching “bad news” between two pieces of “good news” to get the information across smother. An example would be to start by saying to your partner, “You make me feel very happy and comfortable in this relationship, so I would like to share something with you”; then go into describing your diagnosis, what symptoms it may cause, what treatment plan you may be following- anything you feel is important; then finish by saying how they have helped you and how much you trust them with the something so personal. It’s difficult for the conversation to get out of hand if you follow that method.
If you think your partner may be struggling with mental health issues and not telling you, it’s okay to ask in a loving and understanding manner- not an accusatory one as you are not a mental health expert and cannot diagnose anyone. I have asked previous clients why they feel uncomfortable telling their partners, and the most common response was that during arguments, they had already labelled them and called them names out of anger- such as “crazy” or “ridiculous,” which made them feel judged and misunderstood. Avoid behaviours like these if you would like your partner to be honest with you and allow them to feel you are one to be trusted. If someone does confide in you, ask as many questions as you need to as there is a lot of misinformation about the illnesses, their causes, symptoms and possible treatment options. The more you know, the more you can understand and help. Research even more than your partner decides to share with you and ask how you can best support them when needed, while also respecting their privacy. If someone does confide in you, do not throw the information back in their face when arguing or trying to prove a point. Someone’s emotions and behaviours do not necessarily have anything to do with their mental health issues. An attempt to shame them will not aid in any situation.
If it becomes overwhelming for either party, it is also important to remember that couples, as well as individual counselling, can aid in any distress- both personal and relational. Both partners should also commit to excellent self-care. This means prioritising yourself when it comes to physical and psychological needs. We are always better equipped to handle a difficult situation if we are feeling our best. This includes eating, sleeping and exercising well as well as participating in hobbies that make you feel good.
If you are struggling to disclose your diagnosis to your partner, keep in mind that they may be struggling as well, you may be just the first one to say it. As importantly, after disclosure, try not to let all your future conversations revolve around the diagnosis. Talk about everyday things too, go on dates, have fun as it is very important for you both to know that life and your relationship are still normal. Mental illness is not a character flaw, nor a moral issue and life can still be very satisfying.
Thank you for reading and please continue to send all column suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
