I RECEIVED a few emails about my column last week on negging, a term that I came to find out that many were unaware of. Psychology is a consistently growing field and there are many new identifications and terms given for emotional abuse that, unfortunately, many of us think are just a normal part of relationships. The terms and concepts aren’t always new, but are more recognised as people start to pay more attention to mental health and its triggers for illnesses.

Today I’m going to discuss another one. Love-bombing is a term given to an emotional-manipulation technique through fast and heavy demonstrations of affection and attention. Its first detailed mention was that of cult relationships, similar to our tragedy of Jim Jones. The first psychologist who explored it discussed how cult leaders ‘love bomb’ their potential recruits in order to make them feel special and that there and only there will they receive the love and affection that all human beings naturally crave.

Unfortunately, now, this is a common circumstance in many romantic relationships. Examples of love-bombing can be verbal, emotional or sexual. It can be shown by many presents, never-ending compliments, excessive neediness, communication and attention, mirroring all your passions and interests or demanding instant commitment to one another; they want your undivided attention. It is a difficult circumstance to understand or identify, because we all want to be showered with love and attention and to feel the rush of endorphins that come with it, but when is it manipulative and unhealthy?

Perpetrators like to do this sometimes at the very beginning of the courtship — where someone is showered with affection, gifts and promising statements that some like to mask as ‘love at first sight.’ This can be exciting and looks harmless at the surface and sometimes it is. However, all human beings crave admiration and praise but as they say, too much of anything is unhealthy and, in this case, ill-intentioned.

In situations where it is love-bombing, when the initial excitement and the chase are over, the perpetrator’s behaviour changes. If the victim shows interest in anything or anyone else outside of the new partner and relationship, it is typically met with unhealthy displays of rage, jealously and controlling tendencies. This next stage is called ‘devaluation’, where the love and attention turn into withdrawal and neglect in an attempt to regain control, love and affection from their victim.

It is often simplified as being ‘the chase,’ whereby someone does everything in their power to get you and once they have you, their efforts decrease. However, if this is being done consciously, it is far more dangerous than we all think. Social media makes this technique a lot easier than it used to be, whereby people flood your feed and messages with affection that make us feel special and an abuser has constant contact and communication with the victim on multiple platforms.

If extreme displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it’s probably not love-bombing. So how can we know when it is? It is important to be able to identify this type of manipulation as excessive attention and affection does not constitute love-bombing if there is no intent or pattern of further abuse. Intent is key and one needs to identify if this is intentionally being done to them.

Start by paying close attention to their behaviour, if the intensity of these rapid feelings is not reciprocated. Do they become aggressive or abusive? Also, pay attention to what happens next –- months down the line into all this affection. Do you feel as though you owe them something? Are you comfortable with how fast things are moving? Always trust your intuition and do your best to see things as they are and not what you would like them to be or hope they could become. Equally importantly, pay attention to how they treat other people. They are showering you with kindness and love, but how they treat everyone else is one of the strongest indicators of their intentions, as they may not have the ulterior motives with others as they do with you, so their truer side tends to show there.

If you have a feeling you are being love-bombed, communicate this to the person. Set clear boundaries, refuse gifts, set limitations on time spent and levels of communication. Someone who legitimately cares for you will respect your feelings, comfort and boundaries. They will respect your commitment to other things and people. Their reaction to this will expose a lot to you. Healthy, non-manipulative individuals understand that the process of falling in love does not happen overnight, but building trust and intimacy is instead an organic process.

Remember, a love bomber’s ultimate goal is for you to become mentally and emotionally dependent on them and their praise. Only you can ensure that that does not happen. Honour your own space and mental well-being.

Thank you for reading and please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com.