THIS column came out of a situation I encountered a few weeks ago. I was not getting along with someone and during our conversation, I got a little riled up and somewhat disrespectful. The person on the other side called me just that and then followed it up with “but I like it.” That made me sit for days and think about so many things. Why do people enjoy getting insulted? Why do we insult people that we actually like? It brought me to a topic that not many people know about– negging.

How many of you have heard about this term? I’m guessing not very many, but it is a popular form of emotional and verbal abuse.
Scientists have actually spent years studying insults and how they differ from criticism, satire, straightforwardness etc. and they have come up with a simple but very accurate definition. Yiannis Gabriel, Professor of Organizational Theory at the University of Bath, claimed that insults are a “big effect with little effort, since they take advantage of a weak point of the target.”

This brings me to a fairly new term, negging, which occurs when someone deliberately insults you in an attempt to undermine your confidence and lower your self-esteem to make you more vulnerable to their advances. Its intent is to make the perpetrator look more desirable and the victim to rely on their approval; it is a form of emotional manipulation.

The author of “Rules of the Game,” Neil Strauss, explains that the point of negging is not necessarily to put women down, but for a man to disqualify himself (in her mind) as a potential suitor so that they naturally become more interested. This does not only apply to male-female relationships or romantic relationships only either, just using that as an easy example. Growing up, we are given some common but terrible advice: we are told to play games and not show others how truly interested we are- play hard to get and all that — both men and women. Men are taught not to call for days at a time, so they do not seem desperate. Out of nonsense like that comes issues such as negging. If you properly study negging, it’s made to undermine, belittle, and control another’s thought process, emotions, and behaviours. This invention, I think, is another child of toxic masculinity where the idea encouraged men to view women as objects to be manipulated for their own benefit. However, again, not only men neg.

Some popular and easy examples of negging include:
– Backhanded compliments such as “I don’t usually go for women like you, but for you, I’ll make an exception” or “Wow, you’re actually really smart, I didn’t expect that.”
– Insults that seem as questions such as “Are you sure you want to wear that?” or “Are you sure you are still hungry?”

– Insults dressed as ‘constructive’ criticism such as “You know, you’d actually look good if you lost 10 pounds” or “People with your skin tone shouldn’t really wear that colour.”
– Compare you to others, such as “You’re no Jennifer Lopez, but you look beautiful in that dress” or, “My ex didn’t put me through this much stress.”

If you think these insults are casual and harmless, think again, as they have lasting damage on any individual. They target and directly harm self-esteem, emotions, behaviours, pride, and persons’ overall identity and self-love. These directly cause mental health issues that affect psychological development and social interactions.

An important question is: does this actually work? The sad answer is yes. Research shows that it does– at least in the short-term, pick-up phase. The first study was done in 1965 by Walster, whereby he arranged for a group of female participants to interact with a male research assistant who flirted with them. The female participants were then given positive or negative personality test feedback. After their self-esteem was increased or decreased in that way, they were asked to rate their liking for the male research assistant. The results of the study indicated that women who had their self-esteem temporarily lowered found the male research assistant significantly more attractive than the women with temporary high-self-esteem.

Regarding acceptance of this behaviour, a 2003 study by Gudjonsson and Sigurdsson examined the relationship between self-esteem and compliance with requests. Both male and female participants were asked to complete various measures of self-esteem, compliance, and coping behaviours. The results showed that individuals with lower self-esteem are more compliant and agreeable to the requests of others. This means that if you are a victim of this, you are not alone and it is not your fault AND most importantly, we can take control and change this as Sigmund Freud once said that “out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.”

So, how can we make changes for ourselves? Insults affect people in many ways and trigger a series of individually different emotions and behaviours, but there are general things we can do. Firstly, you need to identify and accept that this is indeed happening to you or if you are doing it yourself. I’m going to focus on what to do if it is happening to you. I always suggest that you start by bringing attention to it because it is possible that the person does not know what they are doing and if they do, this brings to their attention that you are aware of what they are doing and, even more so, you’re willing to do something about it.

Of course, if you can in the situation, keep communication minimal. If that is not an option, take control and ask them to stop and then cross-examine. This tends to make people very uncomfortable, which is what you want to happen. Cross-examination looks like this: “I just want to get this straight. Did you just say [repeat the insult]?” Then you look at the insulter straight in the face and wait for an answer. Most of the time, the insulter will back down and won’t be able to face you if you challenge them. If they deny it or try to manipulate more, you should walk away as your efforts will be wasted. You are not running away. Walking away means the dynamic of the game is over.

However, keep in mind that their reaction basically says it all, whether they are intentionally doing it or whether they plan on continuing to.
View them for what they are, not what you are hoping they are. Understand that someone who does this intentionally is weak, insecure and feels as though you cannot love them without them making you feel less of a person. They are someone who intentionally hurts you to keep you submissive, and there is no respect in that as it’s an abusive way to gain control. Allowing them to manipulate you or to have control of your feelings is exactly the target of the insult- do not let them win.
Thank you for reading. Please continue to send topic suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com