Gaslighting

NO, this column isn’t about BBQ, as someone recently thought that’s what I was referring to when they overheard me discussing it. It’s a very serious form of abuse that is so common that some people do not even know when they are perpetrating or receiving.

Gaslighting is a fairly new term when discussing verbal and emotional abuse. It’s a specific type of manipulation, whereby the abuser attempts to have their victim(s) question their own sanity, reality, memory, or perceptions. While it’s more common in romantic relationships, it can happen in any form of relationship- personal or professional.

Gaslighting’s origin is quite interesting, as while the term is over 80 years old, psychologists have adapted it recently and in true new-generation fashion – through a movie. The term was derived from a 1938 play which in 1944 became a movie called “Gaslight.” The plot is about a husband who manipulates his wife to make her think she’s losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance (just in case you want to watch it)

While all examples are not so exaggerated, it’s a good one. However, some are much more subtle but do have the same effect.
Simple examples are “I never said that” (when they did), “You’re just being sensitive” (when you are not, they just do not want to accept the responsibility of hurting anyone’s feelings) or “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this” (when you may not be, the abuser just wants to distort your perception of how serious the situation is).

There are some common gaslighting techniques that include:
– Countering – when someone questions another’s memories. They may say things such as, “you never remember things accurately,” or “are you sure? You have a bad memory.” Etc.
– Withholding- when an individual refuses to engage in a conversation. They may pretend not to hear or understand someone, so that they do not have to respond to them. For example, they might say, “I do not know what you are talking about,” or “you are just trying to confuse me.”

– Trivialising- when a person belittles or disregards the other person’s feelings. They may accuse them of being too sensitive or of overreacting, even though they may be valid concerns and feelings.
– Denial/ forgetting- when the person pretends to forget events or how they occurred. They may deny having said or done something or accuse someone of making things up.

– Diverting- when the person changes the focus of a discussion and questions the other person’s credibility instead. For example, they might say, “that is just another crazy idea you got from your friends or an ex-partner.” This tends to bring up another issue and allows for the actual issue to be temporarily forgotten.

While some may start off with seemingly small offences, it is a pattern that tends to get worse over time. Also, there is nothing small or trivial when you question your own reality or judgment, thanks to someone else’s behaviour. However, very often because the abuser is someone you care about, you want to believe them and many end up changing their perceptions to either avoid conflict or not want to lose their abuser.

Now, it is important to mention that not always is the abuser intending to be malicious. Many people do not know when or how they are gaslighting- just as many do not know it is happening to them. Therefore, I will also discuss how to discover whether you are gaslighting another human being. If it’s being done on purpose, there is the extreme of the abuser having a narcissistic personality disorder, childhood trauma, PTSD and so many more possibilities. However, I’m going to gear this to a person who may not be diagnosed with mental health issues and simply don’t see the error and severe harm in their ways.

First, it is impossible to change behaviour without self-awareness and acknowledgement. Based on what you have read so far, do you think you are a gaslighter? Admitting this is not easy, but only through admission will my suggestions work to stop this pattern of abuse.

No one can teach you to accept responsibility or to realise you are abusing another person, it’s a personal choice. However, once you have done this – stop making excuses, blaming other people and instead be ready to identify your patterns of abuse and accept responsibly.

The best thing to do is start off by acknowledging what type of gaslighter you are. There are some examples above as well as you can do further research.
There are serious ways to deal with this and I will mention them, but not in too much detail as for effectiveness, they require professional help such as a counsellor or a psychologist. These involve identifying the source of your abuse, developing emotional control, managing your anxieties etc. But even without professional help, there are steps you can take.

First, learn to self-soothe. This is similar to anger and emotional management, but you can do this on your own in a number of ways. You can acknowledge that you cannot control another human being. Even if you think or believe you are, I promise you, you are not and you can learn to be okay with this. The only things you can and do have control over are your own emotions and behaviours.

You can step away from the situation and distract yourself with activities that calm you down. This can be anything from music to exercising to showering, etc.
You can modify a situation to your comfort without being controlling or abusive. This is called compromise. You can set personal boundaries without controlling another person. You can healthily communicate what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t.

Listen to other healthy and constructive opinions of you. If someone tells you they are feeling abused by you, you need to accept this and hear them out; avoid equalising, minimising, or denying their experience. Do their views have merit? Have you done what they are accusing you of? What is a healthy compromise you can come up with? Also, very importantly, if your abuse was genuinely not intentional and you are willing to take steps towards change, forgive yourself- even if others don’t. This is an important step to healthier behaviour and like anyone else, you do deserve forgiveness.

Now, as I’ve said before, we cannot control what others think, say or do, so this section is for those who are being gaslighted.
There are some universal signs if you are not positive that you are a victim of gaslighting. These include:

* constantly second-guessing yourself or have trouble making decisions
* You’re ruminating about a perceived character flaw (like being too sensitive or not a good enough person)
* You’re always apologising- whether you are in the wrong or not
* You’re frequently making excuses for your partner’s behaviour.

If you are being gaslighted, the first suggestion would be to leave the situation entirely. However, I know that is not a possibility for some, so I’ll give you some tips on how to take back control. Once you have identified that this is happening, do not make excuses for the person.

In a gaslighting situation, you probably feel really upset and want to react- that’s normal. However, your anger, frustration, or sadness will give the gaslighter more power. Explain your version of events in a calm but stern way- that you are not going to accept their version of what happened. Say that you understand their perception is different, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. If they do not agree, that is fine and somewhat expected, change the topic of conversation, and choose a coping skill that calms you down- as your anger only hurts you.

If you doubt yourself, keep a journal of any negative interaction – write down the truth about the event and how it made you feel- you can always go back to that for your own sanity. Engage in hobbies and interests that make you feel good about yourself.

Set personal boundaries that you adhere to when a gaslighting situation comes up. For example, you can say ‘If you criticise me or tweak what happened in a way that benefits you, I’m going to walk away or block your phone calls” – or whatever you can do. However, this only works if you actually do it. Empty threats do not result in change.

You can go to counselling – both personal and couples if you find it will be helpful and result in change.
Either way, if you are a perpetrator or victim, I sincerely hope your situation changes.

Thank you for reading and please continue to send all suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com

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