How to get through a Miscarriage

TODAY I would like to discuss a topic that many find uncomfortable and taboo, despite how common it actually is. Many people don’t know how to reach out or respond to someone who has been through this trauma – and sometimes, that’s okay. However, knowledge helps any situation and often does take away discomfort.

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy where the embryo or foetus does not develop enough to survive. It typically happens within the first three months, but can also happen later during the pregnancy term- typically called a stillbirth. My research showed that the risk of miscarriage is 12 percent to 15 percent for women in their 20s and rises to about 25 percent for women over age 40.

Having a miscarriage does not necessarily mean that you have a fertility problem. Most women (87 percent) who have miscarriages have subsequent normal pregnancies and births. A miscarriage is a somewhat loaded term — possibly suggesting that something was overlooked during the pregnancy. This is rarely true. Most miscarriages occur because the foetus just isn’t developing normally.

Unfortunately, while a miscarriage is a relatively common experience — it doesn’t make the situation any easier. It is impossible for anyone to understand the pain of someone who has been through an event that traumatic. For couples who have recently been through this, it is important to know that 98 percent of the time, a miscarriage is not caused by any action taken by the mother/parent. There are various reasons why a woman would miscarry, which include chronic conditions such as uncontrolled diabetes, hormonal abnormalities, uterine or cervical abnormalities, infection, or age. However, most of the time, the fertilised egg has an abnormal number of chromosomes/ genes, and this is very random. Unfortunately, this means that there was nothing done to have caused it, and nothing can be done to prevent it. Normal activities such as work, exercise, sex or minor injuries do not cause a miscarriage.

Now, since a miscarriage is a trauma, it typically brings forward the five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Regarding grief, there is no right or wrong way to experience it. There is also no appropriate timeline that must be followed – you will simply recover when you do. However, there are things that can be done that would help through this difficult process.

The first to realise is that you are not alone – finding and accepting healthy support is crucial during this time. This can be friends, family, or someone whom you know has also experienced a miscarriage. This can and should also include professional help from a counsellor, social worker, psychologist, religious leader, or anyone who makes you feel comfortable. There are also online support groups that are free and include people from all over the world. You can literally google “online support groups for miscarriages” and thousands of options will pop up. This way, you can also remain anonymous if you prefer.

As there is emotional distress, there may also be physical as well as relationship distress. You will feel a wide range of emotions which are not limited to sadness, hopelessness, anger, guilt, jealousy of other parents and intense feelings of loneliness (especially if there are a lot of parents in your social circle). Please take my advice – allow yourself to feel and express these emotions.
The only thing I would say you are not allowed to feel, is self-blame. It’s hard not to feel as if you did something wrong when you lose a pregnancy. However, guilt is a completely unhelpful emotion when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your pregnancy. When something goes wrong, we all stretch to find someone, something to blame. With miscarriages, there’s rarely anyone or thing to blame, and it leaves us feeling empty. So, acceptance of the normalcy of this tragic event is key.

Also, do what makes you feel good – despite what others think. Many people have so unwarranted opinions and criticisms when they have never been through such trauma. Many believe that such grief shouldn’t be experienced if the miscarriage occurred early during the pregnancy (even though most do), but that woman or couple may have been planning a pregnancy for years or just felt a great rush of love and excitement and that is difficult to just simply forget and move on from.

If you’d like to name your baby, plant a tree for them, have a funeral, talk about it or not talk about it- it is completely your choice.

I think it requires mentioning that men also do feel this loss. However, I have counselled many couples through a miscarriage where the expecting mother and father’s relationship seemed as though it was deteriorating as the woman felt her partner didn’t care or understand her grief. While expectant fathers absolutely do feel this loss, the bond between a pregnant woman and the baby growing inside her is unique. A woman can begin bonding from the moment she has a positive pregnancy test. Bonding for the father typically does start later – after they start to see the physical symptoms or some men until the baby is born. You can help your relationship to survive by being understanding, respectful and sensitive to each other’s needs and feelings, keeping the lines of communication open about the situation- once you are both comfortable doing that, and accept each other’s coping mechanisms as they may be quite different.

If you have suffered a miscarriage and are trying to conceive again or already pregnant, unfortunately there is nothing absolute that you can do to ensure there is no miscarriage but like anything else, there are actions you can take to make the possibility less likely. This includes seeking regular prenatal care, taking the appropriate vitamins, avoiding known miscarriage risk factors — such as smoking, drinking alcohol and illicit drug use. Remember than you CAN have a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage. Most women who have miscarriages have subsequent normal pregnancies and births. Having a miscarriage does not necessarily mean you have a fertility problem.

My final piece of advice for either parent is to respect your own needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal. Don’t rush it, acceptance will come.

Thank you everyone for reading. Please include sending topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com

 

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