DRESSED in a pimp-like metallic blue suit with matching hat, controversial pontiff ‘Pope Emmanuel’ Philbert London stepped into his Beacon Ministries Church on Joseph Pollydore Street in Georgetown amidst exalted praise from his gushing congregation.As he sat on his gilded wooden throne, on display before his mainly female congregation, ‘Pope Emmanuel’ repeatedly glanced at the media as he threw some well-timed jabs their way.

Frequently stating that he had never professed to be without sin, the self-proclaimed ‘pontiff’, clearly idolized by his congregation, said: “You know what I find interesting? I don’t think anybody was tracked down and interviewed when they said, ‘I want a child, and I went to the Man of God and I got a child.’”

Questioning the relevance of all the publicity he has gotten since his sexploits went public some two weeks ago, the satyric ‘man of the cloth’, who subsequently apologised to his congregation, said it’s not his good deeds that would save him, but what’s in his heart.

“My Bible tells me I am saved by Grace through faith…. God said ‘I won’t be angry with you or rebuke you…I promise you my kindness will never remove,’” the ‘Pope’ declared, adding: “I believe God! Regardless of whatever happens, my Father, my God, promised me that He’d never leave me nor forsake me!”

ALL SINS ARE EQUAL
London made it clear that God judges the heart of Man, and not his actions. Be it adultery or lies, he said, all sins are equal in the sight of God.
Seizing upon a piece of scripture to justify this particular argument, ‘Pope Emmanuel’ said: “He that is without sin cast the first stone!” And as if on cue, the congregation jumped to its feet, shouting, “Amen! Amen!”

As for those who have since called for him to step down as leader of his flock, London had this to say: “I forgive them on the basis of their ignorance. What else can I do? I think the other thing that people missed is that God puts treasures in earthly vessels.”

He firmly believes that the current perception of Christianity is somewhat flawed; that it’s hypocritical to believe that a Man of God ought always to be upstanding.

“That’s what the Church did! That’s what religion did! That’s why people are called hypocrites!” the horny pontiff said, adding: “I advocate that even the gay is saved, even if he doesn’t stop being a gay…. Because he believes Christ died for him, he is saved!”

He and his congregation were in agreement on this. “Yeah!” they shouted in one accord.

The self-anointed head of the local papacy questioned: “Didn’t I teach that?” And again the response was deafening.

PURE HOGWASH
By now emboldened by the success of his theatrics, ‘Pope Emmanuel’ proceeded to argue that the notion that one can be saved only by “living a good life” is pure hogwash. “I never advocated that I am saved by anything else but the Grace of God,” he said, dismissing as “ignorance” the Christian view that ‘The things I used to do I’d do them no more’.

“We are saved by nothing else but the love of Jesus Christ! We are saved by His grace; grace means favour I don’t deserve,” ‘Pope Emmanuel’ said. “If it is dependent on our

good works, then everybody is going to hell; every man jack will go to hell if it is dependent on our good works!” he added.

With his congregation proudly by his side, a seemingly unapologetic ‘Pope Emmanuel’ said the God he serves loves him just the way he is. “Watch me!” he said. “God could have covered this; God could have killed the person who decided to do that,” he said in obvious reference to whoever had posted the damning videos on Facebook.

He believes that the airing of his sexual escapades with multiple women was aimed at showing those who have been cast out of churches for various reasons that their souls can be saved; for God looks not at their actions, but at their hearts, he said.

“All this embarrassment is worth it if two persons can say ‘I now know that God loves me’. It is worth it if two souls can be saved; it is worth it,” he said to a standing ovation, and shouts of “Amen!”

SINISTER TURN
The tirade would, however, take a sinister turn for the worse when, out of the blue, the ‘Pope’ rounded on all those who wished him bad, promising that their ill-will would not go unpaid.

“Some persons think that they would escape if they do that; but, Beloved, I would not speak anything of anybody, but they will not escape,” the avenging ‘pontiff’ predicted.

“They touch it and they destroy themselves! I can tell you stories after stories of many persons who did that and died. Many persons who think it is their duty to keep on doing what they are doing, I wish them luck. People will discover shortly and swiftly not to do it,” he said darkly, amidst hoots of wild laughter from his delusional congregation.

As if to drive home the fear deeper, London said: “I am not threatening you, I am telling you what happens… I don’t want evil visiting you and your family; I am saying this with love. The smart thing is to stay away and leave that man alone.”

London’s congregation believes that he was sent by God as a miracle worker to heal the sick, make the lame walk and the dumb talk. They frequently described him, before his grand entry at church on Sunday, as “Our Gracious Pope”.

“God works special miracles by the presence of His Holiness, Pope Emmanuel, so that on his touch or contact, in person or via his ministers; his television broadcasts; his publications; his anointed products, such as cloths, rags, soap, paper, water, sweets, corn, wine and alcohol, are brought to the sick health and recovery; and diseases depart from them, and evil spirits go out of them, and persons receive, among other things, wealth, prosperity, lands, monies, employment, business success, visas, cars, houses, babies, peace in homes, missing relatives found or returned safely…” intoned Bishop Guy Griffith, as the congregation obediently held on to his every word.