‘ATTITUDE IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ORDEAL & AN ADVENTURE’

“I FEEL ok, kinda hyper actually,” I responded to my family and friends as I settled into bed to relax. It was only ten in the morning but I had already completed my second round of chemotherapy that day, pretty much all that was on my to do list for the week.
I was thankful that my IV was inserted successfully the first time and was kept in good spirits by the usual friendly and funny conversations shared amongst the oncology patients in my chemo sessions. It is ironic that in this place some of the most upbeat, life enthusiasts could be found, albeit with a line stuck in their arm but that’s really saying something, isn’t it?
I did my second chemo with the same ladies I met on my first round, this helped to make the process less rigid and uncomfortable for me – we shared information with each other on healthy eating and remedies that helped to ease some of the chemo side effects like nausea (ginger tea). It’s like belonging to a class and developing a similar friendship and comradery amongst ourselves and the Nurses. It’s like we’re all trying to study for the same subject but we’re unprepared so we swap information hoping to score points with our bodies, the only difference is the class is cancer and whether you fail or pass it ultimately has nothing to do with how much you know or how prepared you are but it’s a special bond between strangers, something that only comes from sharing in the exact experience.
Hey! who would have thought Chemo was a group activity? Sarcasm aside, I now understand why it’s done in a group setting- there’s power in numbers and the positive energy from our group certainly helps each of us to get through the 2-3 hours, feeling good about ourselves, and knowing that we’re all fighting together; this reinforces our faith in whatever faith we believe in- because this is the type of strength and passion that Churches are built upon.
As I got comfortable in bed, I removed the head scarf I had worn that morning to therapy. Because I had a crew cut my hair was no longer shedding profusely all over my clothes and pillows it had actually upped it exit strategy from my head. I could now rub my fingers along my scalp and just ‘erase’ away the hair. Of course the day i discovered that, being the comic I am, I tried to ‘write’ (by erasing the hair) a few choice words on my scalp but that was an epic fail, instead i was left with some different sized random lines that looked like binary codes.
My headache seemed to be starting as I strained to read something on my laptop. This was too soon though, wasn’t it? I didn’t get the headache or the upset/nauseated feeling until the next day after chemo on my first round and it was the same dosage. As the headache intensified I closed the laptop and took a sip of coconut water. ‘Ugh…what is this’, I thought as my mouth started to taste weird, I popped a ginger mint to ease the queasiness I was starting to experience.
And then it hit me. I’m such a dum dum sometimes, it was only obvious that the side effects would come on stronger and faster this time- my body had gone into the second round of treatment already beaten up by the first. My immune system had been fully armored the first time so to speak but now the chemo was interacting with an immune system weakened from the first fight and judging from how my body was starting to react my immunity was definitely under threat from outside sources.
I’m not sure what was more upsetting the fact that my side effects were coming at me faster and stronger than before or that I couldn’t do much about it except drink some gravol and sleep the day away. Sleeping the day away is like a prison sentence to me, I don’t like napping in the day. I depend on physical activity and mental stimulation to enjoy my day and now here I was being forced to spend at least 70% of it with my eyes closed.
Dinner, which I ate around 7pm comprised of breakfast really as I was too nauseated to stomach anything more than toasted bread and tea.
A certain heaviness fell on me and I couldn’t shake it. ‘If I feel so horrible and this is the first round my body is experiencing with a lowered immune system, what’s going to happen when I get to the 4th? And that’s just half way through’, could I even complete eighth rounds of this toxin?
I tossed and turned all night, the dream version of myself slowly walking through a thick expanse of large, beautiful trees but the walking soon turned to frantic running and the trees lost their unusually bright hue. My dream collapsed as I realized I wasn’t just running, I was being chased.
Next week: Managing chemotherapy as a normal part of life.
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