Dear Wayne & Tamara,

I love your raw direct style. My boyfriend is divorced with two
daughters. He chased me a year, then we immediately lived together.

I am never married. I left my old and sick parents, my work and my
house to live with him. I needed attention and this was not good for
him.

We had many challenges. Within a month his father died, my mother died
and his daughter from a previous marriage tried suicide. He got
custody, so this hurt teen came to live with us but it didn’t go well.

I should admit the shadow of him leaving was always on our
relationship. After two years of incredible joys and huge drama he
decided to leave. The last thing he said was: I love you.

After four months and almost no contact, he declared his love for me
again and I thought the dream was coming true. It lasted only months
before he started doubting again. Now unless I look for him he simply
vanishes, though he is always ready to chat, see me and make love if I
initiate contact.

That keeps me hoping that if I trust, things one day will change. I
love him.

Lillian

Dear Lillian,

If he came back, it would not be because he loved you. It
would be because he couldn’t find anyone better. That’s hard for us to
say and hard for you to accept. But when someone breaks up with you
because they are not sure you are the one, that’s what they think.

Love is not gamesmanship. Nor is it a trick, a compromise, a ploy or a
tease.

He chased you. What do we normally hear from the one chased? “He (or
she) chased me until I was worn down.” Coming around for sex when you
contact him should not give you hope. It should tell you who he is.

Chasers give the one chased a false sense that “he must really, really
love me that he would chase me like this.” But a chaser loves the
pursuit and what is going on within their own mind. How do we know
this? Because when the pursuer succeeds, they act as if, “Oh, you
aren’t what I thought you are.”

For a while they may be happy with their success and bask in your
love. For a while they may try to change you into what they
fantasized. Finally, they realize you aren’t what they thought,
leading to the inevitable, “I can do better.”

Wayne & Tamara