Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
“Well you’re in luck I have two in stock, a man’s brain for $1000, and a woman’s for $100.”
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
“Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!”
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A Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, “Yeah, okay.”
I said I’m just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, “Yeah, sure.”
I said I’ve just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, “Yeah, why not.”
I then he sat down and I asked him, “So what now?” He said, “I don’t know I’ve never got this far before!”
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.
“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
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A young curate, in his 1st charge was under the supervision of a vicar with a good sense of humour.
The Vicar was worried that the young curate seemed to have no sense of humour so one day to test him out he told the story, “You know young man, the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife.”
At this news the curate was shocked.
Then the vicar said with a laugh, “Yes, the arms of my mother.”
This at last raised a smile on the young curate’s face.
He was to speak that afternoon to the parish Mothers union, so he thought he might begin by retelling the story as an opener.
So he began, “Ladies, you know the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife.”
Then he paused, and finally said, “And for the moment I cannot remember who she was!”
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Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.